Authentic and Free to be me

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  • To Abandon ones self!

    what does it mean to abandon yourself?

    this is something that has been in psyche for a while now, not knowing it was there bubbling to the surface. For being an ENFP personality type on the myers briggs personality test. “the campaigner” I am a people pleaser, how did I get this way. Well I have done deep dives into this, where is the origin of why I am. As hard as this is for me to write, it must be written. I want to write more and have great things in my persona to write about its just about where do I start, do I have the courage to go into my psyche to push out what needs to be scraped from my phyche .

    TO show up day in and day out exactly how you are, unapolegetically. I am ME and I am really PROUD of who I am and who I have become. I LOVE HARD!!! as I LOVE MYSELF! The problem along the way is, I want to be loved too by another human as much as I love myself. And even though I love myself I tend to Abandon myself when I find someone I have a connection with. I pour my vast amounts of love out there onto others, as I was taught in childhood that to get love you have to perform. That I am not good enough however I show up, as to why I do stuff for others to get the validation that I AM loved.

    Not a FAN of this pattern I have about myself. I wish I had the self worth, which goes back to how much I love myself. If I love myself so much, does that mean I have self worth. yes and no. when I can snap out of the co dependency of the cycle, take a step back, reflect on how I showed up, sit with myself, write a blog to process thought processes, then I can re align to my purpose of self!!!!!

    Knowing I am a GREAT GUY! that I am PERFECT just how I am and show up. It is really about putting me FIRST above anyone else, not in a selfish way, as I have best friends who mean the world to me, but as they are my best friends they would want the best for me, and that is testament of them. are they the best friends of the new version or the old version of Kelly.. The Kelly that gave, gave, gave, until I was hollowed out or the new version that is self empowered, going after my dreams, making shit happen, changing the world (one smile at a time)

    I would hope that my Besties would want the Latter. as that is a testament of the type of friendships that I want. Where we prop each other up with “words of affirmation.”

    words of affirmation? as I am sitting here at like 10am, writing this blog, thinking about why validation is so important in my life. out of nowhere I get this ping of needing validation from someone that I am good enough. That to know someone remembers me, that I matter. This is the stuff we like to keep hidden below the covers, hoping no one will really know what goes on in the pits of ones core. “am i good enough”

    “am i good enough” goes back to am I good enough for myself. By not showing up for myself, that is a proven word, that I am not living up to my potential, as I believe that If I stop and focus on me and not peform for LOVE and ATTENTION that I will be forgotten.

    comes back to self worth! there is some truth to it all. Fake it till you make it. if I can pretend to have it together and work on myself, over time of faking it, a habit it formed and then i wont need to fake it because it will just be!

    As I went down the rabbit hole and layers upon layers of my psyche. what did I really figure out? I don’t have to have all or any answers to life. fake it till you make it but to me that applies to going to yoga, getting daily movement in.

    This was a bit daunting to write AS much as I have, and to know that MINDSET is KEY!

    Affirmations are Key!

    Making the bed is Key!

    Taking out the trash is Key!

    Keeping up on house chores is Key!

    Its the little things that are daily things that neeed to be done that put me first and my enegy not drained. To be an Adult.

    ggg

  • Nov. 26, 2025 (finding ME)

    Nov. 26, 2025 (finding ME)

    Waking up and realizing that what the universe has been putting in my life as a lesson was Not Choosing Me! Giving my power away to others. As I type this, a tightness in my chest is there, not knowing what to do with it. Yes, choosing me is great in concept, but how does one actually put it into place, into action?

    I have chosen relationships where I give, give, give and give some more to be loved! The last one, I dug holes for 10 trees in clay soil, hauled off the old dirt and replaced the soil with soil on my farm. so this gets into another topic of keeping score. If I volunteered to do this, this should come with no expectations and no resentments but when the lines get blurred and I start to feel being taking advantage of even thru free giving, I need to take a step back and re evaluate. Its such a fine line of free giving / hoping this will bring us closer. but this goes even deeper of my friend holding my abandonment wound. Allowing me to cry and her with her cancer sign saying I got you and not going anywhere.

    She held my abandonment wound, but at the same time, i was giving and giving. I was being hollowed out just becoming a shell. with expectations of us getting closer and being loved. this period lasted over a month, until I broke. I finally told her that I am done, I had to go visit another friend and cry on her shoulder as I had nothiing more to give. I had to cry her out of my system!

    I told her one night after we went to dinner and she spent an hour talking about her ex that I was done! That it was too painful to like her, and I cried her out of my system! That was my breaking point! I wanted her so bad but at the same time, I was losing myself in the process, the farm I run, I abandoned, I abandoned myself and the community I run/lead/host. Everyone knew something I didn’t except me. They saw the writing on the wall, but I was so far in it that I couldn’t see it. Even my family knew. This is something I needed to go thru by myself.

    This was / is what the Universe put into my life as a lesson! to finally wake me up! This lesson was going to be a very painful one! and even to this day, right now, as I type this, I can feel the pain, of choosing myself. as this is unchartered territory of facing the unknown. Will I be ok if I choose me? WIll I survive if that safety net be false in nature is not prioritized and I put myself first? All unknowns. I have amazing friends that have stuck by me thru the thick and thin! no judgement just holding space for me to see the light. these are my rocks! but also learning / leaning into ME and allowing myself to be MY ROCK!

    I feel like my friend who I had limerence with is to some degree a person in my life who does love me in her capacity, but putting so much pressure on her, wasn’t fair to her and I can see why she would pull back. We would text every day, and YES I am / was co dependent on her to reassure me that I have value. That was so unfair of me to do to her, as she has so many things she is dealing with and she made time for me, even just a one word text to say I matter.

    today, I am getting back into the gardens on property! to get back into the soil where I grow amaznig crops and give them away to community as a way to give back to humanity for all the gifts I have been given. I have a saying that is in the back of my mind

    “PAY IT FORWARD” what I hold so dear to my heart. this is just a summary of whats in my mind. this is my second day of getting back to blogging since july. one of my biggest fears with writing, was it good enough to post, which goes back to my worth. knowing that a blog is just that, my thoughts. whether they make sense to anyone is beside the point. just my point of view.

    im leaning into knowing that I am good enough however I show up, which has been instilled in me by my therapist Brian Kurtz, healedbyspirit.com he has seen me grow in over 5 years. I have taking a healing course from him and also a shadow work class.

    Shadow Work is what I have been also doing for the past month, which includes sittin with my pain and also opening my heart, and giving myself permission to sit with my friends trauma’s and feel what she felt at the time of her betrayal from her partner. one week I criend for a week, to put myself in her shoes and in turn helped heal a trauma of mine where i cheated on a partner from the past and i put myself in my ex partners shoes and felt what i did to her. this is all shadow work and will get into this a bit later

    I am going to start wriitng whatever comes to light and maybe it makes sense and maybe it doesnt. but it will be from the present moment of my feels / thoughts.

    today I choose me!!!!!!!!! that is a HUGE STEP FOR ME

  • November 25, 2026

    my friend is back home visiting family, and so happy for her that she finally got to get from under the chaos of her life and is able to be free to be her and recharge. She hasn’t been home in over 5 months is what I’m thinking.

    I got her dogs this weekend and don’t plan on calling her / texting until she is back next week. We usually text daily, but not really feeling the call to text her at all. my gift to her is to just give her a break and even give myself a break.

    What is this need to feel I have to check in to be validated. This need in another person to feel whole, and not being able to hold my worth by just being.

    I had a 10am therapy call with Brian from healedbyspirit. and been writing the last 25 years of my life, and to sit with him and go thru that. haven’t had that many jobs, but the growth within over the last 5 years has been so significant and most has been thru spirituality and the mindset of attachements, traumas, opening up my heart for other peoples traumas, holding safe space, being a protector, learning to be my own best friend and holding space for myself. Seeing my patterns, dissecting them, breaking them down, and learning how to be the best version of my life.

    i am just getting back into blogging after taking a considerable amount of time off as i got distracted but this last friendship has helped me transform as a person in more ways then I can count. Especially with my friend holding my abandonment wound. I would say her name but due to confidentiality she is gonna be referred to as “her” again, me holding safety in the highest regard.

    will come back to this after awhile.

  • to give

    Last Night was such a beautiful night of community, of creating the perfect night for such a Beautiful Soul that is such a dear friend. We Celebrated, came together as a community and I put together the whole night with the help of my friends on community to show my friend what real love feels like. nothing held back. We made homemade garden pizzas, laughed, danced, poured paint and I brought tables up to my house put a drop cloth under and played like kids. The Most Beautiful Evening of celebration in a long long while.

    I did spend quite a bit of money I was saving for projects on the farm but at the same time, I only have one chance to show a person what Real Love looks, feels, and felt like. I felt so honored that I got the opportunity to put this night together for her.

    I put on her favorite band on bluetooth, fleetwood mac while we painted, laughed and played.

    to love another with such conviction is so pure! To hold nothing back , with pure intentions, for someone that hadn’t been shown what pure love looks like. I feel closer to my friend and to everyone there.

    I woke up this morning a bit emotional as I guess I took on quite a bit of energy from last night and been crying it out. I know I’m a feeler and it so helps for me to write this out to share to whoever reads this or if no one does that my feelings of gratitude and love are expressed.

  • Love these days

    Of when I’m getting back to working out and the day after being sore from head to toe. From swimming laps and biking 5 miles . Just out of hot yoga and that so helped.

    Quite the difference from a week or two ago going thru my feels to now choosing me and what does Kelly want to do.

    The problem was is my emotional, mental, spiritual and some physical fuel take was depleted . And needed to make a decision to workout and yesterday did just that. On a detox, did niacin and nebulized glutathione this morning. Gonna gradually go back to my regime including working out to keep it sustainable and not get injured.

    No reason to rush . Learning to stay present and love the journey

    Yall stay beautiful out there

    And remember to smile and say hi to someone, could change their day, week, month, year or life

  • detoxing

    today is day 1 of nebulizing glutathione, and putting watermelon, cucumber, apple cider vinegar and a splash of honey in a blender and that is my food for the day.

    My diet hasnt been the healthiest and this is me taking back my power and my life.

    wanting to live, go after my purpose, and changing my frequency and vibration starts with taking care of me.

    Will update tomorrow on detoxing

    Day 2

    Started the day off with 250 mg of niacin. A niacin flush is rough with itching, upset stomach and anxiety . I need to look into getting a new bed. Need a firm bed. Getting ready to nebulize 400 mg of glutathione.

    My target is: 250mg niacin 3 times a day and 400mg nebulized glutathione 2 times a day .

    Not super sore from swimming 1000yards and biking 5 miles . Felt nice to get back to being active

    Just getting out of 1 hour hot yoga flow and I could feel ALL of yesterday. Sore all over. Shoulders, tris, legs hips , back and neck

  • present moment

    so much gratitude for myself for getting out of the house and getting down to deep eddy pool, out of my comfort zone of sitting in my thoughts and over analyzing ALL of them to packing a bag, getting my swim and yoga stuff together. Downloading a book from my mentor Brian Kurtz healedbyspirit.com “accessing the real you” and heading out to get some rays, take a nap, do yoga, and swim 30 lengths of the pool. To jump start my triathlon training, and how it felt so good to be back in the water doing laps.

    To feel the Freedom of getting away from the farm and BEING FREE! Love the Farm don’t get me wrong but the freedom of just doing something for me felt even better.

    Staying in the present moment of just being! Wondering to myself, why haven’t I done this sooner. I believe I had to go thru the period of darkness to see the light. The period of time of being alone, dealing with loneliness, and to feel all the feelings that went along with that period.

    To really feel the True Freedom of being present and doing stuff for me, is much more appreciated from coming from the place of aloneness. I don’t think I would appreciate it as much as I do now. To give myself permission! Permission to relax and be me is key to all of this. Before I would probably feel guilty of I need to do this or that but now, I don’t this is MY TIME to be me however that looks like and to put ME FIRST!

    Present Moment feels quite transformative as putting me first hasn’t happend in a long time. Super Grateful of the Self Love I have for me, after shying away from co dependence and if this person doesn’t validate me or my actions then I’m not gonna be happy.

    That all changed the moment I started this blog, starting painting, and detaching my co dependency. And Now started a detox, putting my health first, exercise, me time, and its so refreshing and Freeing

  • painting painting painting

    the colors blend together like the thoughts within, how to make them out, what do they mean, what shape to they go, flow, and run. the blends come together like they were meant to be, no rhyme or reason it just flows. rules? no rules, just fun to give one permission to be a kid, playing with more paint on me then on the paper ha ha ha, a sign im in my zone playing in the paints of life.

    the paints of life could be like the thoughts of life, flowing with no rules, just fun, given permission with to play. how life should be. play play play! no rules, only fun

  • Being gung ho at first to write and write to?

    How to get back into the feels of writing again, to delving back into important issue / revelations of diggin back to my shadow side. Just got back from going to our family lakehouse spending time with siblings. Was amazing to spend some time for a few days to get off the farm.

    While I was there, It felt great and at the same time, it didn’t hold the same excitement as it once did. Life has a funny way of showing what is important at the time of doing it.

    If I keep writing about my day, hoping it will trigger a deeper feeling of wanting to dive deeper into patterns. at this time, I’m feeling really grounded and clear headed.

    Where is the gravitational pool to get into feels? Could use some help on how to get back into feeling / understanding self. Maybe I’m just not in a space at time time to write

    Does this happen to others?

  • The lonely world of transformation

    a friend of mine told me “you are the one that has to walk thru your own shoes.”

    I have now changed the word from I have to, of that “I get to”

    Get to is to be grateful of the work that I’m allowing myself to do. Before I corrected this statement I put, “allowing myself to go thru the work” “go thru” sounds forced in my opinion

    another friend of mine told me “words are spellings, and the root of spelling is spell” to cast a spell. So I tend to change my phrasing as this life, and how I choose to walk this path is a choice, not an obligation.

    To walk this path to not be the person I was last week, month, year, or a past lifetime. It’s a solo journey into one’s behavior, mind, and action. The good news is it can be a group thing too, as surrounding yourself with people that lift you up.

    I thought about deleting this post as it may sound a bit debbie downer but to be authentic is to share the good with the mucky waters to get to a place of clarity and build inner strength,.

    It is so easy for me NOT to do the WORK as how its spelled out, this is work, a deep commitment to oneself of not glossing over the person I was and the person I strive to be.

    yes, I could look at this in a different way and instead of lonely like its a bad thing, could rephrase it as a time I get to spend alone doing the work.

    yes, I should be outside tending to gardens, pulling weeds, harvesting crops, as just a few days ago we had over 75 organic cucumbers on the kitchen table in my house. and I know the tomatoes are ripening and the basil needs pruning. yes all things that need to be done, but I’m choosing to be painting, writing, watching some tv, and being with myself

    tomorrow is a day of digging a 100ft trench 18″ deep to run piping. so I should be grateful of what I get to do, instead of manual labor.

    so the thought process on my title was good as it helped me reframe my thoughts and processes.

    good day