Why Control ? of people, circumstances, self, places, relationships, and just control in general

I am guilty of using control to get my way, to manipulate situations, I have used it in relationships, in pretty much all areas of life.

The word “control” scares me as it sends me back to childhood and not being safe.

This came up today in a conversation I was having and it caused me to start looking at myself. Something that sits so uneasy with me as in the present moment, I really try so hard to be mindful of my actions, and how they affect others, and if I misstep, I make amends or apologize for my actions. I am not the same person as I have been in the past. Its not easy for me to admit and quite a bit shameful of being that person. No one wants to admit when you have had qualities of a person that is not becoming and worry what the outcomes could be if someone knew I have flaws.

I guess that is what this blog is all about, being 100 percent authentic, the good with the bad. Into the darkness there is light. From living a life of no boundaries, entitlement, control, fear, being insecure and living in fear.

I think about why does one become controlling ? The feeling I got when I typed this is fear of going deep to find the answer. I have an answer but then don’t have an answer, and its hard to put on paper. Fear keeps coming up ! dominance, low self esteem, society which is kind of a cop out, learned behavior, for me learning communication skills has really helped me curb this.

Honesty and using your voice to express feelings, being vulnerable with someone in a calm way, leaning into fears, having compassion for yourself, allowing yourself to just be. When I started giving myself permission to feel, just be, and trust in me and in another then why do we need to control.

when i think of control, i think of someone who has not done the work, sat with themselves, analyzed there actions, looked at the repercussions of using control. Its like future seeing, if you can see how your actions will cause an outcome to go a certain way and what you could lose, maybe it would stop a person from acting a certain way.

What is the difference in control and asking for someone to do something. Control in my opinion is forceful and asking for something is not control.

Diving into control has really eased my fear over putting my thoughts on paper, and being free to share, I’m releasing any control that control has over me.

when i did my first and only ayahuasca many moons ago, I let go of two parsites in my body, only way to describe it. I was pushing two things out of my body and that was controlling others and being controlled. but that is the first step, the second step is integration and learning what you gave up and being mindful when those actions or thoughts creep back in, maybe at a time when you are triggered. and catch yourself. and even for me, I can sense, when patterns start to creep in, and I can catch my patterns and pinpoint where they start, and figure out whats going on in mind and body to correct the action from forming.

I’m a bit of an overthinker, and love to analyze everything, including my actions. I have done 20+ years of therapy and at one time, had 3 therapists at the same time, once a week. Hence, why I am so good at holding space, listening, relating, and looking at patterns in me and others.

Ive gone to therapy for relationships, co dependency, anger, addictions and self esteem to name a few. I feel I could be a therapist with all I have gone thru.

And still with all the therapy, I still can act human, not an excuse but a true fact. But the difference is I catch myself before stuff happens and if it does, I go back and make amends, apologize, and look into my actions and correct them and find where it started.

when someone doesn’t have control in certain situations in their life they take it out on others. I was trying to figure out where the origin is. and I think that is it.

Why it is so important to develop communication skills and to be honest in self and word. To be vulnerable with others, surround yourself with people that are non toxic and loving, I choose to be around people that are doing the work, done the shadow work, and their talk matches their walk. Its a choice to make! We can choose freedom of not being our past selves, and stay in the present moment.

I am learning this all too well. Staying in the present moment is where the MAGIC happens. When you feel you need to control a situation like I have done, take deep breaths, put yourself in another’s shoes, we all have stories, traumas, hurts, and be mindful because this world doesn’t revolve around me.

This is Shadow work, not pretty stuff, but it’s a must if you want to be a better person. Put yourself out there on paper and even post it for whoever to see.

World this is ME!