Authentic and Free to be me

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  • Opposite of Control is trust

    As I am sitting here watching the series 100 near the end of the series, kept thinking about control, trust, faith and surrender. what is the opposite of control is trust that everything will work out if you just have faith, but to have faith you must surrender to expectations and to the unknown.

    expectations to the unknown is a place that is hard to grasp. As I was taught that to go after what i want takes actions and actions sometimes involves control.

    control in ones actions, and in a positive way could come down to being mindful. Mindful of ones actions, and how these actions affect self, another person, and an outcome.

    Surrender and Mindfulness come into play. I think there is something here to look at. I wanted to get my thought process on paper before I forgot the thought behind all of this.

    What also comes into play is believing and self esteem, to push forward into thinking and believing with conviction. Like how I posted in an email on what is love and unconditional love?

    To go after not ever controlling in a negative way to harm another, including myself, and to control an outcome takes conviction. To really believe that everything will unfold as its supposed to. A definition of FAITH!

    Then you can dive a bit deeper and include being attached and non attachment. Being attached meaning, it influences you/ me to do things out of character like control, and the best way is the way of non attachment. To be non attached to person, place or thing is scary. Everything I was taught not to do.

    That rivals next to basic security. I attach to people, places and things out of safety, even it be a false sense of safety / security.

    The idea is to create your own safety / security within by trusting that everything will work out the way its supposed to and if it doesn’t that is ok too, as things sometimes don’t work out like they are supposed to and that is ok too.

    You can have faith that it will and send that frequency into the world that it will but everything doesn’t and being non attached to an outcome is FREEDOM!!!!!!!

    Getting to the place of freedom is easier said than done. It comes from a place of scarcity, fear, un knowing, loss, depression, emptiness, loneliness, shame, guilt, frustration. Whatever the emotion or unknown is. I believe going thru the shadow self to uncover what it is, peeling back the layers and layers of what it is I’m holding to, expecting, wanting, needing and coming to the realization that I am good just how I am to truly believe. That takes guts, that also takes surrender.

    It takes looking at yourself in front of a mirror, really looking at yourself, all your wrinkles, imperfections, age, and know that I am loved! This takes humbling. This takes surrendering.

    It also takes, really loving yourself. Holding yourself. like when your mother or father would do it, the people that kept you safe. the ones who didnt get a manual in the hospital on how to raise kids and did it the best that they could, while working to support us, living in their cycles of life, generational traumas, for someone not breaking the cycles. experiencing all the pain of the ancestors.

    something I strive to do is to feel, to break the cycle of the families traumas. I have siblings that also are breaking the cycles on how they raise their kids, I can see it. I have such wonderful siblings that are doing such bang up jobs being the best parents they know how to be.

    Kids, never worked out for me as the universe had other intentions for me, but if I did have kids, I would be a damn good father. That kid would be so so loved! As I know what it is like to live with pain / suffering. and to know that, I have empathy.

    Surrender is the key to it all! To finally realize that I can’t keeping fighting the fight and to give it all over to mother Earth and say, I TRUST!

  • Why Control ? of people, circumstances, self, places, relationships, and just control in general

    I am guilty of using control to get my way, to manipulate situations, I have used it in relationships, in pretty much all areas of life.

    The word “control” scares me as it sends me back to childhood and not being safe.

    This came up today in a conversation I was having and it caused me to start looking at myself. Something that sits so uneasy with me as in the present moment, I really try so hard to be mindful of my actions, and how they affect others, and if I misstep, I make amends or apologize for my actions. I am not the same person as I have been in the past. Its not easy for me to admit and quite a bit shameful of being that person. No one wants to admit when you have had qualities of a person that is not becoming and worry what the outcomes could be if someone knew I have flaws.

    I guess that is what this blog is all about, being 100 percent authentic, the good with the bad. Into the darkness there is light. From living a life of no boundaries, entitlement, control, fear, being insecure and living in fear.

    I think about why does one become controlling ? The feeling I got when I typed this is fear of going deep to find the answer. I have an answer but then don’t have an answer, and its hard to put on paper. Fear keeps coming up ! dominance, low self esteem, society which is kind of a cop out, learned behavior, for me learning communication skills has really helped me curb this.

    Honesty and using your voice to express feelings, being vulnerable with someone in a calm way, leaning into fears, having compassion for yourself, allowing yourself to just be. When I started giving myself permission to feel, just be, and trust in me and in another then why do we need to control.

    when i think of control, i think of someone who has not done the work, sat with themselves, analyzed there actions, looked at the repercussions of using control. Its like future seeing, if you can see how your actions will cause an outcome to go a certain way and what you could lose, maybe it would stop a person from acting a certain way.

    What is the difference in control and asking for someone to do something. Control in my opinion is forceful and asking for something is not control.

    Diving into control has really eased my fear over putting my thoughts on paper, and being free to share, I’m releasing any control that control has over me.

    when i did my first and only ayahuasca many moons ago, I let go of two parsites in my body, only way to describe it. I was pushing two things out of my body and that was controlling others and being controlled. but that is the first step, the second step is integration and learning what you gave up and being mindful when those actions or thoughts creep back in, maybe at a time when you are triggered. and catch yourself. and even for me, I can sense, when patterns start to creep in, and I can catch my patterns and pinpoint where they start, and figure out whats going on in mind and body to correct the action from forming.

    I’m a bit of an overthinker, and love to analyze everything, including my actions. I have done 20+ years of therapy and at one time, had 3 therapists at the same time, once a week. Hence, why I am so good at holding space, listening, relating, and looking at patterns in me and others.

    Ive gone to therapy for relationships, co dependency, anger, addictions and self esteem to name a few. I feel I could be a therapist with all I have gone thru.

    And still with all the therapy, I still can act human, not an excuse but a true fact. But the difference is I catch myself before stuff happens and if it does, I go back and make amends, apologize, and look into my actions and correct them and find where it started.

    when someone doesn’t have control in certain situations in their life they take it out on others. I was trying to figure out where the origin is. and I think that is it.

    Why it is so important to develop communication skills and to be honest in self and word. To be vulnerable with others, surround yourself with people that are non toxic and loving, I choose to be around people that are doing the work, done the shadow work, and their talk matches their walk. Its a choice to make! We can choose freedom of not being our past selves, and stay in the present moment.

    I am learning this all too well. Staying in the present moment is where the MAGIC happens. When you feel you need to control a situation like I have done, take deep breaths, put yourself in another’s shoes, we all have stories, traumas, hurts, and be mindful because this world doesn’t revolve around me.

    This is Shadow work, not pretty stuff, but it’s a must if you want to be a better person. Put yourself out there on paper and even post it for whoever to see.

    World this is ME!

  • This is Aries

    This is Aries! My Ride and Die

  • Inner Childness?

    Innocence of the world, as a child, fear and anxiety didn’t exist only play that everything in my world was taken care of. Had plenty of love as I didn’t know of anything different. When I read “Mastery of Love” by Don Miguel Ruiz.

    “The happiest moments in our lives are when we are playing just like children, when we are singing and dancing, when we are exploring and creating just for fun. It is wonderful when we behave like a child because this is the normal human mind, the normal human tendency.” by Don Miguel Ruiz The Mastery of Love

    This is from the first chapter of Mastery of Love one of my favorite books, and for some reason the first chapter always stuck out to me about being childlike and innocent.

    Why? because I was SAFE! Safety is so so Huge for me. It’s like being wrapped in a warm, weighted blanket, that some say represents being in your mothers womb. I delve into why I keep coming back to the inner child, over and over again in my daily life. to be free of no worries in the world. Hence why I took news apps off my phone, don’t have social media, keep a small group of friends, have a farm, live in community, work on myself and my way of being. All ways to keep my mind free of influence, my being Safe, and to be able to live in a way that is Free.

    This way of living isn’t normal whatever normal is but it is what I have adopted in my life. I strive to protect my way of being, as like Joe Dispenza says “your thoughts can make you sick.”

    Hence, why I strive to keep Unconditional Love in my life and have adopted a practice of mindfulness. During my last medicine journey, my intention was to delve into all aspects of unconditional love.

    I need to get back into coloring, as I love to use a coloring book. and have this dream of painting to just paint. Want to build a double sided 4ft easel on wheels and put it in my living room on a tarp and just paint whenever I feel the need and want to express myself which tends to be more often then not.

    also on my bucket list is to get a potters wheel and a kiln. as I have enough power on property that I can get a commercial kiln. All things that go back to living a life of innocence. I believe living in world of Unconditional Love for self and being in your inner child starts with going after the wants in life then the needs. I think the needs will get met when the wants starts happening.

    Getting back to a place of me and doing my thing will allow the peace in me to flourish, instead of giving my power away. Not so much giving my power away but have it where its contingent on another. People are also trying to figure out their own world and I think is so so so beautiful to witness. I think we can, all be and live to prop up each other to live a life of innocence, playfulness and fun, while also taking care of responsibilities as adults.

    who wants to come play and live this life ?

    There is the double sided easel built today, and not a carpenter! But wanted to build an easel and paint and we did it

  • What does it mean to stay in a playful world of being in your inner child?

    First off, there would be a rainbow of colors, different fonts, glitter, fairy’s, and a world of make believe. Their would be no rules just FREE to be ME.

    I woke up this morning and felt FREE even just for a little bit, which felt like PURE HEAVEN! no worries, second guessing about sending this text or what about this or that.

    How does one stay Present? As all we have in life is the Here and the NOW. What was sent yesterday in a text or what could or could not happen in the future is a time that is un written. The PRESENT moment is where the MAGIC happens,.

    Easier said than done as we are programmed to worry, have anxiety, fear, being alone, not loved, not being loving enough, not showing empathy. Whatever the case of what we carry in our depths of life.

    A very dear friend is the master of staying present, and just in AWE of how she does it. I dream of being able to do that.

    There is another concept, we live in our dreams, we get to be our own superhero and play in our dreams as we are free. I believe our dreams are our subconscious, and if my subconscious wants to be free, be light, have fun and keep it playful then my dream world will be just that.

    This is truly what I strive for! How can I stay in my inner child of present moments and be FREE?

    as I contemplate this question, fear and anxiety are coming to the forefront of my thoughts., what about this or that. am I loved enough, do I have the guts to show my vulnerabilities, and just be free without a doubt in the world. I believe Self Love is the KEY to being Free. For me, exercise / eating right is so Huge in my life. Getting in my morning yoga and if time permits, getting in my evening yoga mat time too. I find 2 yoga classes a day seem to really work for me and the therapy it provides. Mat time is just so essential on staying playful, positive, and FREE.

    I started the blog to go on my transformational journey of life, and at first, it started out a bit dark and heavy but as I go thru my days, its getting lighter. I think there is a balance of dark and light. for me, its not so much blame or this person did this or that. I’m old enough in life to take my own responsibility. and base things on true facts, can’t blame parents for this or that, I can just state facts of what happened and delve thru it all. Be proactive and find solutions, or just sit with it and the solutions will come.

    How does what I just said have anything to do with staying in your inner child? Mindset! How you view the world. People go around blaming others and not taking responsibilities and I’m like this because of this or that. Maybe so, but blame does nothing.

    Sometimes just being is all that matters in life! again, staying in the present moment.

    As I talk out on paper my thought process, and thank you for reading if anyone reads these, how I can stay in the present moment. I was just telling a friend, that I am able to start a blog and write so freely, as I don’t work for a company, have a boss, doesn’t matter if I overshare or not being of some companies image. I am FREE to be ME!

    Its TRUST that everything will work out like its supposed to in the greater good, that picking the friends that I have are good people that are also full of love. We lift each other up when we are down, and just there for one another. There maybe times of heaviness but the LOVE is there and always will be, as I am LOYAL to a fault. My inner circle is SO LOVED and CHERISHED !

    I feel when you have good people around you, that just adore you as much as you adore yourself, its easier to get into your inner child as you are supported to just be you or me.

    I started a community where we live in harmony with one another, and have weekly dinners. As I feel community is where the MAGIC happens. Even people that don’t live on property come and hang out with us. I am just so grateful that I have a property that this can take place on and have attracted like minded people that also want to play in community. “play” as life should be about.

    Community where it be a garden community or group of friends that come together is key in my opinion. We as a whole have gone down a weird 5 years where the world has pumped fear and aloneness in our being. I believe the TRUE MAGIC comes to LIGHT when we come together as families chosen or biological and share the LOVE that each of us Have, Want to have, Want to Share, Be apart of. We ALL have this Desire to be LOVED and CHERISHED!

    If you haven’t spoken to a dear friend in a while, reach out! Call a family member just to say hi. Again, All we have is the present moment!

  • How to hold onto that feeling of overall Peace ?

    Sense a Calm after a storm of emotions, waking up and seeing dew on the grass, the wind blowing in the trees, and staying present.

    Learning to stay in the Present Moments of self, looking into what may spike my overall sense of peace. Whether that be caffeine, nicotine, worry, fear, anxiety. Remembering “all is well” however I show up.

    Getting back to my self of coming from a place of groundedness. Learning to play back when I do get anxious and I feel the pattern of unease start to drift in, what did I do or say to myself of just being, to be me, and get back to that sense of peace. What were my thoughts or not thoughts that brought me back to secure attachment style of self and others.

    Knowing I am loved and won’t be abandoned when I don’t give give and give more. I have learned even in childhood that love is conditional and that has even followed me into adulthood. Is it ok to just be me and that is enough for someone to like me or consider me family. This is my struggle in life.

    Writing my thoughts down gives me a sense of peace, allowing the words to come thru and be put on paper or typing on a computer screen. To be heard, not for validation reasons, but for me to work thru the emotions / feelings and sit with what I am writing. This is My Work of life, to break the patterns, to a new way of thinking. To really feel and understand that how I show up in life is enough.

    Not just writing but also getting in my almost daily yoga practice helps, like today going to the 7pm yoga flow with Jenni B and 830pm yin with Lexie. I have started leaning into alone time on my mat, picking an intention that comes to mind when I feel grounded. The other day I picked “clarity” and was amazed that during the day, the word clarity kept popping up in conversations, what i was reading and in my thoughts. Its like the universe showed me that is what is Most Needed in my life at the moment.

    Community is so helpful! Living in community where we are all a family to come together, to listen to one another, break bread, and even like today. We are coming together to make homemade pizzas with what we harvested from the gardens. We do chores on property, eat together, play music, and are their for one another. Life is pretty grand.

    At the same time, showing up grounded and being mindful is a key to community in my opinion, and that is doing the individual work to be able to stay present and hold space when needed to have a striving / working community. Hence why this blog is so essential to my wellbeing. A way for me to share my thoughts and not bottle them up inside.

    What is Peace of mind, body and spirit? to get my big boy pants on, get back out in the gardens, and put a good days work in. throw some headphones in, listen to music, do some dancing while gardening , put my hands in the soil and connect back to the plants.

    What is Peace to you?

  • when you get up at 330am because that is the normal time you wake up

    I tend to wake up quite a bit around the 3am area and then somehow go back to sleep. I woke up feeling at peace which is such a nice feeling to have.

    I read an article yesterday about how to practice empathy. How to become more empathetic, talked about asking people to share their story, to walk in another persons shoes. I feel and want to see what its like to hear other people’s stories. I have such good friends and know some of their stories and it is just so heartbreaking.

    We all have stories of struggle and pain, but to get to a place in friendships where some will open up and share to me, I hold that just so dear to my heart that they trust me enough to share their stories.

    Its so easy to look at someone and be like “look at you” how could you have pain, you have led a privledged life, or you are so athletic, beautiful, or what not. Its easy to cast judgements of others to see surface stuff, I’m guilty of it, but when I get to see below the surface and friends or even strangers tell you their stories, then it pulls at your heartstrings.

    To really listen to my female friends and what they have to endure in a male dominated world. No words can describe the struggle and pain. A past romantic interest would tell me how clients would talk to her and call her sweetie, dear, and other things, and was just appalled. she would tell me how the world is male dominated.

    I love to hear stories of how women are kicking ass and dominating in a male dominated world. I would love to see a woman president, I think more would get done and more love would be cast around the world. If a woman can bear a child, have moon cycles, and be just so empathetic would say a lot about life in general. Women and their protective natures, the absolute best on keeping me safe.

    Yes, I tend to have more women friends. I just relate more to women, and men that are more sensitive in nature. men that have caring hearts and more heartfelt. I feel I am bit more sensitive than the normal guy, doesn’t make me less mainly, as I feel I have more talents then most men. In my human design, one of my gifts is this natural ability to have talents that just come to me

    of course when i come back to my computer after snuggling with aries the clock reads 4:44 , I always see triple digits. happens everyday, and sometimes 3 times a day, no this doesn’t mean i sit by the phone or clock or look for them, they just appear. then i look up angel number meanings.

  • Random thoughts

    Emotions come and go, I put a question up there on what does it feel like to be loved, held and supported, then drew a blank. Tired probably of doing 2 hours of hot yoga today which is to be loved of self.

    what does it feel like to be loved / held / and supported? Hard to put what it feels like into words. When I read a touching text message on it, tears flow and I take it all in that no matter what, I am loved and matter. (I know I matter to so many but when you read it in a way that its unconditional love and how its deep from someone’s heart, something about it just causes you to feel a certain way)

    I know self love is a way to feel loved and when I say I need to love me or my inner child to feel loved, and its on me. Well at times, I am tired of carrying that kind of load.

    what does it feel like to get a hug from someone special in your life and for them to say “I Love You” it means I feel SAFE. it feels like a warm blanket all around me and know that I matter to someone else. That I am LOVED! that they won’t let anything happen to me. which can be taken back to my childhood and being safe and protected. My childhood was a tough at times, and many of times didn’t feel safe and protected. Probably why I try to be safe to others and protect them when I can because I know the feelings all to well. so maybe I am a bit more empathetic then i think I am. I guess I need to give myself permission to feel and allow it.

    what does unconditional love feel like. My red and white border collie dog Aries is the prime example of it. Always happy to see me, snuggle with me, keep me safe, and feel like he knows what im talking about. wicked smart! if I could figure out how to post a pic i would of him. next time.

    well i am off to bed as i can’t see straight. thank you for reading my posts and being kind .

    farmer kelly

  • why would anyone want to choose this path?

    when its easier to gloss over the pain with tv, addictions, and other low vibe things.

    Well for years, I have had many addictions, and love to get into a series on tv or netflix and lose myself, call it disassociation of reality. Sometimes Netflix is needed don’t get me wrong, in moderation.

    Even in the last few days have I restarted down this path of self discovery. I had an amazing therapist Brian Kurtz healedbyspirit.com, I did a 90 min session once a week for 2 years. I have taken his level 1 healing course too. He has helped me thru identity stuff, finding boundaries, using my voice, discernment and have taken his shadow workshop. All in attempts to know that I am good just how I show up! That I am loved however I show up. Which at times I find very helpful even today. If no one reads these words, that is also good. A friend of mine just explained the need of non attachment, which I should focus on during my writings, as I struggle with validation. so yes, gonna focus my writings in a non attached way and just put it out there, like how an artist paints a picture and just puts it out there for anyone to see. writing is my art and here I am just putting it out there.

    Why this path of self discovery? for one, it allows me to put my thoughts into word form and on paper so I can go back and read them over and over again, in attempts to gain insight into my thought patterns, and over time these patterns will heal, and also may spark insight into other patterns that I may have missed in an attempt to be the best version of myself. A version that is so empathetic.

    I strive in life to be more empathetic and have true empathy with all living things. I feel empathy is such a beautiful concept, and to some it comes naturally and to others its a learned skill. I feel we ALL have a form of empathy but I strive to have that ache in my heart and to be wide open to feel it all! Call me weird, but I want to be tapped into it ALL!!!

    Why this Path, the path of enlightenment? When I think about enlightenment, I think of unconditional love. the ability to have love for all, which is like the same of empathy in a sense. but also different. Love is to be given freely without anything in return, empathy is to feel the love of others and the pain and sadness. also the idea is to feel anothers emotions and also realize they are not my emotions to bear the pain or take them on. I strive to get to a place of being healthy in mind / body / spirit to practice unconditonal love all the time! What I am working towards. going to take a lot of self love to get there.

    Attachment styles! another one of my pain points! I have all 3 secure, anxious, and avoidant. This will be topics of other posts going forward. I read the book Attached, great book, a must read. I want to get to a place of secure attachment all the way around but that starts with me! Can’t love another if I am off internally. hence why this blog got started. lol

    why this path? why not! If I was gonna go after a dream or purpose in my life, what not a better thing to go after than becoming a beacon of light for others by healing my wounds. I have read my human design charts and I’m destined to change the world as we know it and I can’t do that being internally / spiritually wounded.

    Thank You whoever read this far, and welcome to my journey of healing as we will need others to help change the world too.

  • the beauty of a solid yoga practice

    This morning I felt this calling to get on my mat to sort thru feelings, feelings of how to re establish my purpose in life. To get excited to get back into the gardens. Yes, I do have a community garden that I started but at times I get into my feels and it gets put on the back burner, Good thing I have such beautiful support on property when this happens.

    so back to my purpose ! Currently its about a solid yoga practice! being with your mat, just you and the mat, breath and thoughts is all I need. Its cheaper than a therapist and since I work at Blackswanyoga doing a work trade its free to attend all the classes I want. I Love Love Love the teachers at Black Swan. They put so much love into their classes. I am still in awe, on how they curate a class with music and how the music changes with each step of class. For them to memorize the correct name of each pose, talk thru class with such love. I took a yin yoga workshop with my sister from another mother Mari Bird. She taught that workshop with such love and how she shows up to all her classes she teaches.

    Back to the yoga mat. This morning, was different. Deep in thought, working thru a bit of a fog in my psyche, with tears forming and hope I could get the release as sometimes we all just need a good cry. I felt more centered than normal, usually I can be kind of a spaz / dancing while doing yoga. depends on my mood but today was just in a trance so to speak. Leaning into the pain in my heart and trying to shake it. How to detach from some aspects of my life and reattach in my purpose. I’m holding too strongly and co dependancy is happening and need to detach to get my bearings back, get grounded and find me again. My intention for class was, Clarity. perfect !

    Class was probably one of the Best Classes I have taken in a long time, I am in good shape, flexibility is on point and did do 2 perfect trees on both sides. Huge for me!

    After class, started to listening to one of my favorite songs

    author Satsang song is I AM

    On the drive home, the thought of a blog came to my thoughts, walked into my house and went straight to figuring out how to make it happen. and Here I am!