Authentic and Free to be me

Tag: family

  • Nov. 26, 2025 (finding ME)

    Nov. 26, 2025 (finding ME)

    Waking up and realizing that what the universe has been putting in my life as a lesson was Not Choosing Me! Giving my power away to others. As I type this, a tightness in my chest is there, not knowing what to do with it. Yes, choosing me is great in concept, but how does one actually put it into place, into action?

    I have chosen relationships where I give, give, give and give some more to be loved! The last one, I dug holes for 10 trees in clay soil, hauled off the old dirt and replaced the soil with soil on my farm. so this gets into another topic of keeping score. If I volunteered to do this, this should come with no expectations and no resentments but when the lines get blurred and I start to feel being taking advantage of even thru free giving, I need to take a step back and re evaluate. Its such a fine line of free giving / hoping this will bring us closer. but this goes even deeper of my friend holding my abandonment wound. Allowing me to cry and her with her cancer sign saying I got you and not going anywhere.

    She held my abandonment wound, but at the same time, i was giving and giving. I was being hollowed out just becoming a shell. with expectations of us getting closer and being loved. this period lasted over a month, until I broke. I finally told her that I am done, I had to go visit another friend and cry on her shoulder as I had nothiing more to give. I had to cry her out of my system!

    I told her one night after we went to dinner and she spent an hour talking about her ex that I was done! That it was too painful to like her, and I cried her out of my system! That was my breaking point! I wanted her so bad but at the same time, I was losing myself in the process, the farm I run, I abandoned, I abandoned myself and the community I run/lead/host. Everyone knew something I didn’t except me. They saw the writing on the wall, but I was so far in it that I couldn’t see it. Even my family knew. This is something I needed to go thru by myself.

    This was / is what the Universe put into my life as a lesson! to finally wake me up! This lesson was going to be a very painful one! and even to this day, right now, as I type this, I can feel the pain, of choosing myself. as this is unchartered territory of facing the unknown. Will I be ok if I choose me? WIll I survive if that safety net be false in nature is not prioritized and I put myself first? All unknowns. I have amazing friends that have stuck by me thru the thick and thin! no judgement just holding space for me to see the light. these are my rocks! but also learning / leaning into ME and allowing myself to be MY ROCK!

    I feel like my friend who I had limerence with is to some degree a person in my life who does love me in her capacity, but putting so much pressure on her, wasn’t fair to her and I can see why she would pull back. We would text every day, and YES I am / was co dependent on her to reassure me that I have value. That was so unfair of me to do to her, as she has so many things she is dealing with and she made time for me, even just a one word text to say I matter.

    today, I am getting back into the gardens on property! to get back into the soil where I grow amaznig crops and give them away to community as a way to give back to humanity for all the gifts I have been given. I have a saying that is in the back of my mind

    “PAY IT FORWARD” what I hold so dear to my heart. this is just a summary of whats in my mind. this is my second day of getting back to blogging since july. one of my biggest fears with writing, was it good enough to post, which goes back to my worth. knowing that a blog is just that, my thoughts. whether they make sense to anyone is beside the point. just my point of view.

    im leaning into knowing that I am good enough however I show up, which has been instilled in me by my therapist Brian Kurtz, healedbyspirit.com he has seen me grow in over 5 years. I have taking a healing course from him and also a shadow work class.

    Shadow Work is what I have been also doing for the past month, which includes sittin with my pain and also opening my heart, and giving myself permission to sit with my friends trauma’s and feel what she felt at the time of her betrayal from her partner. one week I criend for a week, to put myself in her shoes and in turn helped heal a trauma of mine where i cheated on a partner from the past and i put myself in my ex partners shoes and felt what i did to her. this is all shadow work and will get into this a bit later

    I am going to start wriitng whatever comes to light and maybe it makes sense and maybe it doesnt. but it will be from the present moment of my feels / thoughts.

    today I choose me!!!!!!!!! that is a HUGE STEP FOR ME

  • November 25, 2026

    my friend is back home visiting family, and so happy for her that she finally got to get from under the chaos of her life and is able to be free to be her and recharge. She hasn’t been home in over 5 months is what I’m thinking.

    I got her dogs this weekend and don’t plan on calling her / texting until she is back next week. We usually text daily, but not really feeling the call to text her at all. my gift to her is to just give her a break and even give myself a break.

    What is this need to feel I have to check in to be validated. This need in another person to feel whole, and not being able to hold my worth by just being.

    I had a 10am therapy call with Brian from healedbyspirit. and been writing the last 25 years of my life, and to sit with him and go thru that. haven’t had that many jobs, but the growth within over the last 5 years has been so significant and most has been thru spirituality and the mindset of attachements, traumas, opening up my heart for other peoples traumas, holding safe space, being a protector, learning to be my own best friend and holding space for myself. Seeing my patterns, dissecting them, breaking them down, and learning how to be the best version of my life.

    i am just getting back into blogging after taking a considerable amount of time off as i got distracted but this last friendship has helped me transform as a person in more ways then I can count. Especially with my friend holding my abandonment wound. I would say her name but due to confidentiality she is gonna be referred to as “her” again, me holding safety in the highest regard.

    will come back to this after awhile.

  • Inner Childness?

    Innocence of the world, as a child, fear and anxiety didn’t exist only play that everything in my world was taken care of. Had plenty of love as I didn’t know of anything different. When I read “Mastery of Love” by Don Miguel Ruiz.

    “The happiest moments in our lives are when we are playing just like children, when we are singing and dancing, when we are exploring and creating just for fun. It is wonderful when we behave like a child because this is the normal human mind, the normal human tendency.” by Don Miguel Ruiz The Mastery of Love

    This is from the first chapter of Mastery of Love one of my favorite books, and for some reason the first chapter always stuck out to me about being childlike and innocent.

    Why? because I was SAFE! Safety is so so Huge for me. It’s like being wrapped in a warm, weighted blanket, that some say represents being in your mothers womb. I delve into why I keep coming back to the inner child, over and over again in my daily life. to be free of no worries in the world. Hence why I took news apps off my phone, don’t have social media, keep a small group of friends, have a farm, live in community, work on myself and my way of being. All ways to keep my mind free of influence, my being Safe, and to be able to live in a way that is Free.

    This way of living isn’t normal whatever normal is but it is what I have adopted in my life. I strive to protect my way of being, as like Joe Dispenza says “your thoughts can make you sick.”

    Hence, why I strive to keep Unconditional Love in my life and have adopted a practice of mindfulness. During my last medicine journey, my intention was to delve into all aspects of unconditional love.

    I need to get back into coloring, as I love to use a coloring book. and have this dream of painting to just paint. Want to build a double sided 4ft easel on wheels and put it in my living room on a tarp and just paint whenever I feel the need and want to express myself which tends to be more often then not.

    also on my bucket list is to get a potters wheel and a kiln. as I have enough power on property that I can get a commercial kiln. All things that go back to living a life of innocence. I believe living in world of Unconditional Love for self and being in your inner child starts with going after the wants in life then the needs. I think the needs will get met when the wants starts happening.

    Getting back to a place of me and doing my thing will allow the peace in me to flourish, instead of giving my power away. Not so much giving my power away but have it where its contingent on another. People are also trying to figure out their own world and I think is so so so beautiful to witness. I think we can, all be and live to prop up each other to live a life of innocence, playfulness and fun, while also taking care of responsibilities as adults.

    who wants to come play and live this life ?

    There is the double sided easel built today, and not a carpenter! But wanted to build an easel and paint and we did it

  • What does it mean to stay in a playful world of being in your inner child?

    First off, there would be a rainbow of colors, different fonts, glitter, fairy’s, and a world of make believe. Their would be no rules just FREE to be ME.

    I woke up this morning and felt FREE even just for a little bit, which felt like PURE HEAVEN! no worries, second guessing about sending this text or what about this or that.

    How does one stay Present? As all we have in life is the Here and the NOW. What was sent yesterday in a text or what could or could not happen in the future is a time that is un written. The PRESENT moment is where the MAGIC happens,.

    Easier said than done as we are programmed to worry, have anxiety, fear, being alone, not loved, not being loving enough, not showing empathy. Whatever the case of what we carry in our depths of life.

    A very dear friend is the master of staying present, and just in AWE of how she does it. I dream of being able to do that.

    There is another concept, we live in our dreams, we get to be our own superhero and play in our dreams as we are free. I believe our dreams are our subconscious, and if my subconscious wants to be free, be light, have fun and keep it playful then my dream world will be just that.

    This is truly what I strive for! How can I stay in my inner child of present moments and be FREE?

    as I contemplate this question, fear and anxiety are coming to the forefront of my thoughts., what about this or that. am I loved enough, do I have the guts to show my vulnerabilities, and just be free without a doubt in the world. I believe Self Love is the KEY to being Free. For me, exercise / eating right is so Huge in my life. Getting in my morning yoga and if time permits, getting in my evening yoga mat time too. I find 2 yoga classes a day seem to really work for me and the therapy it provides. Mat time is just so essential on staying playful, positive, and FREE.

    I started the blog to go on my transformational journey of life, and at first, it started out a bit dark and heavy but as I go thru my days, its getting lighter. I think there is a balance of dark and light. for me, its not so much blame or this person did this or that. I’m old enough in life to take my own responsibility. and base things on true facts, can’t blame parents for this or that, I can just state facts of what happened and delve thru it all. Be proactive and find solutions, or just sit with it and the solutions will come.

    How does what I just said have anything to do with staying in your inner child? Mindset! How you view the world. People go around blaming others and not taking responsibilities and I’m like this because of this or that. Maybe so, but blame does nothing.

    Sometimes just being is all that matters in life! again, staying in the present moment.

    As I talk out on paper my thought process, and thank you for reading if anyone reads these, how I can stay in the present moment. I was just telling a friend, that I am able to start a blog and write so freely, as I don’t work for a company, have a boss, doesn’t matter if I overshare or not being of some companies image. I am FREE to be ME!

    Its TRUST that everything will work out like its supposed to in the greater good, that picking the friends that I have are good people that are also full of love. We lift each other up when we are down, and just there for one another. There maybe times of heaviness but the LOVE is there and always will be, as I am LOYAL to a fault. My inner circle is SO LOVED and CHERISHED !

    I feel when you have good people around you, that just adore you as much as you adore yourself, its easier to get into your inner child as you are supported to just be you or me.

    I started a community where we live in harmony with one another, and have weekly dinners. As I feel community is where the MAGIC happens. Even people that don’t live on property come and hang out with us. I am just so grateful that I have a property that this can take place on and have attracted like minded people that also want to play in community. “play” as life should be about.

    Community where it be a garden community or group of friends that come together is key in my opinion. We as a whole have gone down a weird 5 years where the world has pumped fear and aloneness in our being. I believe the TRUE MAGIC comes to LIGHT when we come together as families chosen or biological and share the LOVE that each of us Have, Want to have, Want to Share, Be apart of. We ALL have this Desire to be LOVED and CHERISHED!

    If you haven’t spoken to a dear friend in a while, reach out! Call a family member just to say hi. Again, All we have is the present moment!