Authentic and Free to be me

Tag: healing

  • To be Enough

    Last night was on a zoom call with my therapist Brian Kurtz, healed by spirit, who I saw once a week for 2 years, did 2 shadow workshops and a level 1 healers course. The zoom call is every Wednesday for returning students of his work.

    “You are good enough however you show up”

    This has been instilled in me from him for years, and in turn it stuck with me. Going back to the saying, “fake it until you make it.” The more I keep saying this to me, and how I share this with others, and allow myself to feel what this saying is, it starts to reign true.

    Bear with me as I go on a tangent in my mind, as I try and get my words out, get grounded, get into a flow, and start channeling. Brian thinks I channel thru typing. as I listen to the rain that is falling outside, not getting caught up into writing the perfect piece, as this is a blog, not a magazine article. this is a hobby to write, I am not jumping thru hoops to write a perfect piece. this is supposed to be fun, and as i take a step back. it is!

    Not take life so serious – to be enough

    to live day in and day out in gratitude – to be enough

    to have wonderful friends – to be enough

    to have the Best Dog and my best friend – to be enough

    to have the purest water from GAIA / Motherearth, who has blessed me, and in turn, chose me to be the steward – to be enough

    to the divine, who orchested events to allow this property to fall into my families hands, and in turn my father gifted me the opportunity to go after my dreams of gifting it back to community and spread unconditional love – to be enough

    to have a loving community on the farm that I hand picked to keep me safe, and for me to protect and keep them safe – to be enough

    As I am writing the last sentence, a smile formed, as I thought about the Kundalini Training I am in, and how I feel at home – to be enough

    FAMILY / Safe / Home

    this is my central theme recently. it comes up time and time again recently. I have done lots of yoga, and many of different studios, and have cried openly in class in many of studios, but at the same time felt ashamed for showing emotions, wiping away the tears, so no one would see the tears. is it acceptable to cry, is it ok to be real, especially in a world where you need to be put together. Then comes this recent experience, and how I feel it was divinely guided.

    I was at black swan yoga where I volunteer and my friend came in, and I never sit in the front row for one, and I set up my mat before anyone else got there. And my friend had her mat in the space next to where i was set up. and after class we talked a bit and hadn’t seen myfriend in ages. She said I am going to a kundalini class on Friday if i want to go. and I was like sure, I have always wanted to go to a Kundalini class. When Friday came around, I was like, what do you wear to Kundalini Class, so I googled it, cotton / linen, as they are natural fibers, and remember from the plant medicine world im in, thats what people wear. One thing I learned recently and I am guilty of this and wanting to change my ways, is that some clothing like lu lu lemon have forever chemicals in them, and linen / cotton are natural and help with energy movement, prana (energy), and are high frequency. I am a weird one as I love to go deep in the rabbit hole of life.

    From the Divine! I feel as if nothing is by chance! As I talk to the ceiing people on the daily, or my angels that I can’t see, but trust they are there listening, as I get number synchronicities at the right time, sometimes at my lowest spots in life. When I have given up hope, I willl look down at my phone and see a specific time and look up the angel number meaning, and it gets me hope that I am supported and not alone. What are the chances my friend and are would practice so close together, and even deeper, it all stemmed from another friend of ours who brought her to my farm to see it and pick up mushroom (mycellium) blocks to use in her garden. You never know the impact of one person in ones life, and the ripple effect. has happened to me more than once by one person.

    Divine Timing! I have been going thru years and years of not feeling safe to be me, to be good enough however I showed up. attending classes, not knowing the words or any idea of whats going on and I hear “fake it to you make it.” reassurance that I don’t have to have it all together, that I can “just be” and I am good enough. The safety I felt in the Kundalini class is something that can’t be faked, its either you embody safety in your persona, non judgement or you don’t. And I am a crier by nature, as I go thru my journey, i’ve come to a place of this is just who I am. to be able to shed tears not payed attention to and act like its normal is GOLD. its like a found a place, the divine knew is what I needed, a place and a person like the teacher who holds the safest container. Especially from a guy who has done 5 bufo ceremonies which is ego death, I know its all about a safe container. For me to surrender and allow the feelings to come to the surface, I NEED to feel SAFE! My angels know this is my next step in my journey. and it goes back to the word TRUST. When I’m uncertain about life, I goto sleep and utter the word TRUST, and tell the ceiliing people to keep me safe, hug my best friend Aries, red / white border collie, who is from the divine. He is reincarnated from a previous dog I had named Ernie, according to a dog whisperer. Who recently I found out has a purple aura when I dropped into the 5D, when i put my head to his and closed my eyes, his energy was purple, another time for how that happened. This all goes back to the fact that I am protected.

    I have gone thru so much in my life, as we all have hidden stories. What I have come to realize. To be kind to another person, and not judge, as you don’t know what they have been thru. When I meet someone and they trust me to share even a glimpse of their story, so grateful, that they trust me enough to share. As with this blog, I do my best not to share names, and with my scorpio rising, im so protective of my friends, and my true friends and chosen family are protective of me. Feeling protected has to be the BEST feeling in the world. to know you are special and good enough however you show up!

  • What does it mean to stay in a playful world of being in your inner child?

    First off, there would be a rainbow of colors, different fonts, glitter, fairy’s, and a world of make believe. Their would be no rules just FREE to be ME.

    I woke up this morning and felt FREE even just for a little bit, which felt like PURE HEAVEN! no worries, second guessing about sending this text or what about this or that.

    How does one stay Present? As all we have in life is the Here and the NOW. What was sent yesterday in a text or what could or could not happen in the future is a time that is un written. The PRESENT moment is where the MAGIC happens,.

    Easier said than done as we are programmed to worry, have anxiety, fear, being alone, not loved, not being loving enough, not showing empathy. Whatever the case of what we carry in our depths of life.

    A very dear friend is the master of staying present, and just in AWE of how she does it. I dream of being able to do that.

    There is another concept, we live in our dreams, we get to be our own superhero and play in our dreams as we are free. I believe our dreams are our subconscious, and if my subconscious wants to be free, be light, have fun and keep it playful then my dream world will be just that.

    This is truly what I strive for! How can I stay in my inner child of present moments and be FREE?

    as I contemplate this question, fear and anxiety are coming to the forefront of my thoughts., what about this or that. am I loved enough, do I have the guts to show my vulnerabilities, and just be free without a doubt in the world. I believe Self Love is the KEY to being Free. For me, exercise / eating right is so Huge in my life. Getting in my morning yoga and if time permits, getting in my evening yoga mat time too. I find 2 yoga classes a day seem to really work for me and the therapy it provides. Mat time is just so essential on staying playful, positive, and FREE.

    I started the blog to go on my transformational journey of life, and at first, it started out a bit dark and heavy but as I go thru my days, its getting lighter. I think there is a balance of dark and light. for me, its not so much blame or this person did this or that. I’m old enough in life to take my own responsibility. and base things on true facts, can’t blame parents for this or that, I can just state facts of what happened and delve thru it all. Be proactive and find solutions, or just sit with it and the solutions will come.

    How does what I just said have anything to do with staying in your inner child? Mindset! How you view the world. People go around blaming others and not taking responsibilities and I’m like this because of this or that. Maybe so, but blame does nothing.

    Sometimes just being is all that matters in life! again, staying in the present moment.

    As I talk out on paper my thought process, and thank you for reading if anyone reads these, how I can stay in the present moment. I was just telling a friend, that I am able to start a blog and write so freely, as I don’t work for a company, have a boss, doesn’t matter if I overshare or not being of some companies image. I am FREE to be ME!

    Its TRUST that everything will work out like its supposed to in the greater good, that picking the friends that I have are good people that are also full of love. We lift each other up when we are down, and just there for one another. There maybe times of heaviness but the LOVE is there and always will be, as I am LOYAL to a fault. My inner circle is SO LOVED and CHERISHED !

    I feel when you have good people around you, that just adore you as much as you adore yourself, its easier to get into your inner child as you are supported to just be you or me.

    I started a community where we live in harmony with one another, and have weekly dinners. As I feel community is where the MAGIC happens. Even people that don’t live on property come and hang out with us. I am just so grateful that I have a property that this can take place on and have attracted like minded people that also want to play in community. “play” as life should be about.

    Community where it be a garden community or group of friends that come together is key in my opinion. We as a whole have gone down a weird 5 years where the world has pumped fear and aloneness in our being. I believe the TRUE MAGIC comes to LIGHT when we come together as families chosen or biological and share the LOVE that each of us Have, Want to have, Want to Share, Be apart of. We ALL have this Desire to be LOVED and CHERISHED!

    If you haven’t spoken to a dear friend in a while, reach out! Call a family member just to say hi. Again, All we have is the present moment!

  • why would anyone want to choose this path?

    when its easier to gloss over the pain with tv, addictions, and other low vibe things.

    Well for years, I have had many addictions, and love to get into a series on tv or netflix and lose myself, call it disassociation of reality. Sometimes Netflix is needed don’t get me wrong, in moderation.

    Even in the last few days have I restarted down this path of self discovery. I had an amazing therapist Brian Kurtz healedbyspirit.com, I did a 90 min session once a week for 2 years. I have taken his level 1 healing course too. He has helped me thru identity stuff, finding boundaries, using my voice, discernment and have taken his shadow workshop. All in attempts to know that I am good just how I show up! That I am loved however I show up. Which at times I find very helpful even today. If no one reads these words, that is also good. A friend of mine just explained the need of non attachment, which I should focus on during my writings, as I struggle with validation. so yes, gonna focus my writings in a non attached way and just put it out there, like how an artist paints a picture and just puts it out there for anyone to see. writing is my art and here I am just putting it out there.

    Why this path of self discovery? for one, it allows me to put my thoughts into word form and on paper so I can go back and read them over and over again, in attempts to gain insight into my thought patterns, and over time these patterns will heal, and also may spark insight into other patterns that I may have missed in an attempt to be the best version of myself. A version that is so empathetic.

    I strive in life to be more empathetic and have true empathy with all living things. I feel empathy is such a beautiful concept, and to some it comes naturally and to others its a learned skill. I feel we ALL have a form of empathy but I strive to have that ache in my heart and to be wide open to feel it all! Call me weird, but I want to be tapped into it ALL!!!

    Why this Path, the path of enlightenment? When I think about enlightenment, I think of unconditional love. the ability to have love for all, which is like the same of empathy in a sense. but also different. Love is to be given freely without anything in return, empathy is to feel the love of others and the pain and sadness. also the idea is to feel anothers emotions and also realize they are not my emotions to bear the pain or take them on. I strive to get to a place of being healthy in mind / body / spirit to practice unconditonal love all the time! What I am working towards. going to take a lot of self love to get there.

    Attachment styles! another one of my pain points! I have all 3 secure, anxious, and avoidant. This will be topics of other posts going forward. I read the book Attached, great book, a must read. I want to get to a place of secure attachment all the way around but that starts with me! Can’t love another if I am off internally. hence why this blog got started. lol

    why this path? why not! If I was gonna go after a dream or purpose in my life, what not a better thing to go after than becoming a beacon of light for others by healing my wounds. I have read my human design charts and I’m destined to change the world as we know it and I can’t do that being internally / spiritually wounded.

    Thank You whoever read this far, and welcome to my journey of healing as we will need others to help change the world too.

  • What does it mean to be Authentic and Free?

    Self Love comes to mind, leaning into my feels, Self expression to show love and tears to a group of people. To share how I love hard and in the end I just want to feel loved, with a quivering lip and tears flowing. To be Authentic and Free is sharing moments with not holding back on being judged, to be free to be how I show up.

    Yes! as I am writing this, it is bit daunting that I could be judged / sappy/ weak but leaning into ones fears and doing it anyways takes a mindset into a pure freedom of self.

    Like a friend of mine who on her bucket list is skydiving and bungee jumping. Now that is a perfect example of authenticity and freedom, I don’t think I am at that level yet but a good example of just going for it. Surrender on the way down. and freedom when you step into your fears.

    What does it mean to share your day to day highs and lows with the world, triumphs, ah ha moments, quotes, breakthroughs, jokes, quirky sayings, frustrations, and what not. Call it an insight into a public journal or sorts. As I struggle with validation and accountability. I have the hardest time journaling and staying consistent. This is my way of having a journal. To share my thoughts on paper, how dark or light they could be.

    I have nothing to hide, and not worried of being judged as I have been thru the depths of darkness that criticism doesn’t really apply to me. I may take this blog private as it is now public. Not really knowing how blogs work. The way I see it, I’m not forcing anyone to come to the page and we are all in free choice these days.

    I find it nice to write a question and then go deep within, whether i have the answer or talk it out on paper. To go into the shadow of ones self, dig deep, and look at the answers. To go into ones shadow and look for the part where it originated from, usually in childhood. This is not a way to cast blame or have a poor me blog. I had a beautiful childhood and my parents did a great job. Just certain ways on how I grew up transferred to my adult life and now its my calling to sort them out. From time to time will post a question and dig deep to sort it out.

    “I can’t heal another if I am not healed myself”

    “healing is a process of Love and Surrender” and excited to be able to go on this path

    You would see me in public and never know by talking to me, that I am going down a healing journey and self love, surrender and forgiveness. Meaning, my life is really pretty awesome now! I just want to make it even more stellar and figure out the meaning of LIFE!