Authentic and Free to be me

Tag: life

  • How to hold onto that feeling of overall Peace ?

    Sense a Calm after a storm of emotions, waking up and seeing dew on the grass, the wind blowing in the trees, and staying present.

    Learning to stay in the Present Moments of self, looking into what may spike my overall sense of peace. Whether that be caffeine, nicotine, worry, fear, anxiety. Remembering “all is well” however I show up.

    Getting back to my self of coming from a place of groundedness. Learning to play back when I do get anxious and I feel the pattern of unease start to drift in, what did I do or say to myself of just being, to be me, and get back to that sense of peace. What were my thoughts or not thoughts that brought me back to secure attachment style of self and others.

    Knowing I am loved and won’t be abandoned when I don’t give give and give more. I have learned even in childhood that love is conditional and that has even followed me into adulthood. Is it ok to just be me and that is enough for someone to like me or consider me family. This is my struggle in life.

    Writing my thoughts down gives me a sense of peace, allowing the words to come thru and be put on paper or typing on a computer screen. To be heard, not for validation reasons, but for me to work thru the emotions / feelings and sit with what I am writing. This is My Work of life, to break the patterns, to a new way of thinking. To really feel and understand that how I show up in life is enough.

    Not just writing but also getting in my almost daily yoga practice helps, like today going to the 7pm yoga flow with Jenni B and 830pm yin with Lexie. I have started leaning into alone time on my mat, picking an intention that comes to mind when I feel grounded. The other day I picked “clarity” and was amazed that during the day, the word clarity kept popping up in conversations, what i was reading and in my thoughts. Its like the universe showed me that is what is Most Needed in my life at the moment.

    Community is so helpful! Living in community where we are all a family to come together, to listen to one another, break bread, and even like today. We are coming together to make homemade pizzas with what we harvested from the gardens. We do chores on property, eat together, play music, and are their for one another. Life is pretty grand.

    At the same time, showing up grounded and being mindful is a key to community in my opinion, and that is doing the individual work to be able to stay present and hold space when needed to have a striving / working community. Hence why this blog is so essential to my wellbeing. A way for me to share my thoughts and not bottle them up inside.

    What is Peace of mind, body and spirit? to get my big boy pants on, get back out in the gardens, and put a good days work in. throw some headphones in, listen to music, do some dancing while gardening , put my hands in the soil and connect back to the plants.

    What is Peace to you?

  • when you get up at 330am because that is the normal time you wake up

    I tend to wake up quite a bit around the 3am area and then somehow go back to sleep. I woke up feeling at peace which is such a nice feeling to have.

    I read an article yesterday about how to practice empathy. How to become more empathetic, talked about asking people to share their story, to walk in another persons shoes. I feel and want to see what its like to hear other people’s stories. I have such good friends and know some of their stories and it is just so heartbreaking.

    We all have stories of struggle and pain, but to get to a place in friendships where some will open up and share to me, I hold that just so dear to my heart that they trust me enough to share their stories.

    Its so easy to look at someone and be like “look at you” how could you have pain, you have led a privledged life, or you are so athletic, beautiful, or what not. Its easy to cast judgements of others to see surface stuff, I’m guilty of it, but when I get to see below the surface and friends or even strangers tell you their stories, then it pulls at your heartstrings.

    To really listen to my female friends and what they have to endure in a male dominated world. No words can describe the struggle and pain. A past romantic interest would tell me how clients would talk to her and call her sweetie, dear, and other things, and was just appalled. she would tell me how the world is male dominated.

    I love to hear stories of how women are kicking ass and dominating in a male dominated world. I would love to see a woman president, I think more would get done and more love would be cast around the world. If a woman can bear a child, have moon cycles, and be just so empathetic would say a lot about life in general. Women and their protective natures, the absolute best on keeping me safe.

    Yes, I tend to have more women friends. I just relate more to women, and men that are more sensitive in nature. men that have caring hearts and more heartfelt. I feel I am bit more sensitive than the normal guy, doesn’t make me less mainly, as I feel I have more talents then most men. In my human design, one of my gifts is this natural ability to have talents that just come to me

    of course when i come back to my computer after snuggling with aries the clock reads 4:44 , I always see triple digits. happens everyday, and sometimes 3 times a day, no this doesn’t mean i sit by the phone or clock or look for them, they just appear. then i look up angel number meanings.

  • Random thoughts

    Emotions come and go, I put a question up there on what does it feel like to be loved, held and supported, then drew a blank. Tired probably of doing 2 hours of hot yoga today which is to be loved of self.

    what does it feel like to be loved / held / and supported? Hard to put what it feels like into words. When I read a touching text message on it, tears flow and I take it all in that no matter what, I am loved and matter. (I know I matter to so many but when you read it in a way that its unconditional love and how its deep from someone’s heart, something about it just causes you to feel a certain way)

    I know self love is a way to feel loved and when I say I need to love me or my inner child to feel loved, and its on me. Well at times, I am tired of carrying that kind of load.

    what does it feel like to get a hug from someone special in your life and for them to say “I Love You” it means I feel SAFE. it feels like a warm blanket all around me and know that I matter to someone else. That I am LOVED! that they won’t let anything happen to me. which can be taken back to my childhood and being safe and protected. My childhood was a tough at times, and many of times didn’t feel safe and protected. Probably why I try to be safe to others and protect them when I can because I know the feelings all to well. so maybe I am a bit more empathetic then i think I am. I guess I need to give myself permission to feel and allow it.

    what does unconditional love feel like. My red and white border collie dog Aries is the prime example of it. Always happy to see me, snuggle with me, keep me safe, and feel like he knows what im talking about. wicked smart! if I could figure out how to post a pic i would of him. next time.

    well i am off to bed as i can’t see straight. thank you for reading my posts and being kind .

    farmer kelly

  • What does it mean to be Authentic and Free?

    Self Love comes to mind, leaning into my feels, Self expression to show love and tears to a group of people. To share how I love hard and in the end I just want to feel loved, with a quivering lip and tears flowing. To be Authentic and Free is sharing moments with not holding back on being judged, to be free to be how I show up.

    Yes! as I am writing this, it is bit daunting that I could be judged / sappy/ weak but leaning into ones fears and doing it anyways takes a mindset into a pure freedom of self.

    Like a friend of mine who on her bucket list is skydiving and bungee jumping. Now that is a perfect example of authenticity and freedom, I don’t think I am at that level yet but a good example of just going for it. Surrender on the way down. and freedom when you step into your fears.

    What does it mean to share your day to day highs and lows with the world, triumphs, ah ha moments, quotes, breakthroughs, jokes, quirky sayings, frustrations, and what not. Call it an insight into a public journal or sorts. As I struggle with validation and accountability. I have the hardest time journaling and staying consistent. This is my way of having a journal. To share my thoughts on paper, how dark or light they could be.

    I have nothing to hide, and not worried of being judged as I have been thru the depths of darkness that criticism doesn’t really apply to me. I may take this blog private as it is now public. Not really knowing how blogs work. The way I see it, I’m not forcing anyone to come to the page and we are all in free choice these days.

    I find it nice to write a question and then go deep within, whether i have the answer or talk it out on paper. To go into the shadow of ones self, dig deep, and look at the answers. To go into ones shadow and look for the part where it originated from, usually in childhood. This is not a way to cast blame or have a poor me blog. I had a beautiful childhood and my parents did a great job. Just certain ways on how I grew up transferred to my adult life and now its my calling to sort them out. From time to time will post a question and dig deep to sort it out.

    “I can’t heal another if I am not healed myself”

    “healing is a process of Love and Surrender” and excited to be able to go on this path

    You would see me in public and never know by talking to me, that I am going down a healing journey and self love, surrender and forgiveness. Meaning, my life is really pretty awesome now! I just want to make it even more stellar and figure out the meaning of LIFE!