Authentic and Free to be me

Tag: me

  • To Abandon ones self!

    what does it mean to abandon yourself?

    this is something that has been in psyche for a while now, not knowing it was there bubbling to the surface. For being an ENFP personality type on the myers briggs personality test. “the campaigner” I am a people pleaser, how did I get this way. Well I have done deep dives into this, where is the origin of why I am. As hard as this is for me to write, it must be written. I want to write more and have great things in my persona to write about its just about where do I start, do I have the courage to go into my psyche to push out what needs to be scraped from my phyche .

    TO show up day in and day out exactly how you are, unapolegetically. I am ME and I am really PROUD of who I am and who I have become. I LOVE HARD!!! as I LOVE MYSELF! The problem along the way is, I want to be loved too by another human as much as I love myself. And even though I love myself I tend to Abandon myself when I find someone I have a connection with. I pour my vast amounts of love out there onto others, as I was taught in childhood that to get love you have to perform. That I am not good enough however I show up, as to why I do stuff for others to get the validation that I AM loved.

    Not a FAN of this pattern I have about myself. I wish I had the self worth, which goes back to how much I love myself. If I love myself so much, does that mean I have self worth. yes and no. when I can snap out of the co dependency of the cycle, take a step back, reflect on how I showed up, sit with myself, write a blog to process thought processes, then I can re align to my purpose of self!!!!!

    Knowing I am a GREAT GUY! that I am PERFECT just how I am and show up. It is really about putting me FIRST above anyone else, not in a selfish way, as I have best friends who mean the world to me, but as they are my best friends they would want the best for me, and that is testament of them. are they the best friends of the new version or the old version of Kelly.. The Kelly that gave, gave, gave, until I was hollowed out or the new version that is self empowered, going after my dreams, making shit happen, changing the world (one smile at a time)

    I would hope that my Besties would want the Latter. as that is a testament of the type of friendships that I want. Where we prop each other up with “words of affirmation.”

    words of affirmation? as I am sitting here at like 10am, writing this blog, thinking about why validation is so important in my life. out of nowhere I get this ping of needing validation from someone that I am good enough. That to know someone remembers me, that I matter. This is the stuff we like to keep hidden below the covers, hoping no one will really know what goes on in the pits of ones core. “am i good enough”

    “am i good enough” goes back to am I good enough for myself. By not showing up for myself, that is a proven word, that I am not living up to my potential, as I believe that If I stop and focus on me and not peform for LOVE and ATTENTION that I will be forgotten.

    comes back to self worth! there is some truth to it all. Fake it till you make it. if I can pretend to have it together and work on myself, over time of faking it, a habit it formed and then i wont need to fake it because it will just be!

    As I went down the rabbit hole and layers upon layers of my psyche. what did I really figure out? I don’t have to have all or any answers to life. fake it till you make it but to me that applies to going to yoga, getting daily movement in.

    This was a bit daunting to write AS much as I have, and to know that MINDSET is KEY!

    Affirmations are Key!

    Making the bed is Key!

    Taking out the trash is Key!

    Keeping up on house chores is Key!

    Its the little things that are daily things that neeed to be done that put me first and my enegy not drained. To be an Adult.

    ggg

  • Inner Childness?

    Innocence of the world, as a child, fear and anxiety didn’t exist only play that everything in my world was taken care of. Had plenty of love as I didn’t know of anything different. When I read “Mastery of Love” by Don Miguel Ruiz.

    “The happiest moments in our lives are when we are playing just like children, when we are singing and dancing, when we are exploring and creating just for fun. It is wonderful when we behave like a child because this is the normal human mind, the normal human tendency.” by Don Miguel Ruiz The Mastery of Love

    This is from the first chapter of Mastery of Love one of my favorite books, and for some reason the first chapter always stuck out to me about being childlike and innocent.

    Why? because I was SAFE! Safety is so so Huge for me. It’s like being wrapped in a warm, weighted blanket, that some say represents being in your mothers womb. I delve into why I keep coming back to the inner child, over and over again in my daily life. to be free of no worries in the world. Hence why I took news apps off my phone, don’t have social media, keep a small group of friends, have a farm, live in community, work on myself and my way of being. All ways to keep my mind free of influence, my being Safe, and to be able to live in a way that is Free.

    This way of living isn’t normal whatever normal is but it is what I have adopted in my life. I strive to protect my way of being, as like Joe Dispenza says “your thoughts can make you sick.”

    Hence, why I strive to keep Unconditional Love in my life and have adopted a practice of mindfulness. During my last medicine journey, my intention was to delve into all aspects of unconditional love.

    I need to get back into coloring, as I love to use a coloring book. and have this dream of painting to just paint. Want to build a double sided 4ft easel on wheels and put it in my living room on a tarp and just paint whenever I feel the need and want to express myself which tends to be more often then not.

    also on my bucket list is to get a potters wheel and a kiln. as I have enough power on property that I can get a commercial kiln. All things that go back to living a life of innocence. I believe living in world of Unconditional Love for self and being in your inner child starts with going after the wants in life then the needs. I think the needs will get met when the wants starts happening.

    Getting back to a place of me and doing my thing will allow the peace in me to flourish, instead of giving my power away. Not so much giving my power away but have it where its contingent on another. People are also trying to figure out their own world and I think is so so so beautiful to witness. I think we can, all be and live to prop up each other to live a life of innocence, playfulness and fun, while also taking care of responsibilities as adults.

    who wants to come play and live this life ?

    There is the double sided easel built today, and not a carpenter! But wanted to build an easel and paint and we did it