Authentic and Free to be me

Tag: mental-health

  • To Abandon ones self!

    what does it mean to abandon yourself?

    this is something that has been in psyche for a while now, not knowing it was there bubbling to the surface. For being an ENFP personality type on the myers briggs personality test. “the campaigner” I am a people pleaser, how did I get this way. Well I have done deep dives into this, where is the origin of why I am. As hard as this is for me to write, it must be written. I want to write more and have great things in my persona to write about its just about where do I start, do I have the courage to go into my psyche to push out what needs to be scraped from my phyche .

    TO show up day in and day out exactly how you are, unapolegetically. I am ME and I am really PROUD of who I am and who I have become. I LOVE HARD!!! as I LOVE MYSELF! The problem along the way is, I want to be loved too by another human as much as I love myself. And even though I love myself I tend to Abandon myself when I find someone I have a connection with. I pour my vast amounts of love out there onto others, as I was taught in childhood that to get love you have to perform. That I am not good enough however I show up, as to why I do stuff for others to get the validation that I AM loved.

    Not a FAN of this pattern I have about myself. I wish I had the self worth, which goes back to how much I love myself. If I love myself so much, does that mean I have self worth. yes and no. when I can snap out of the co dependency of the cycle, take a step back, reflect on how I showed up, sit with myself, write a blog to process thought processes, then I can re align to my purpose of self!!!!!

    Knowing I am a GREAT GUY! that I am PERFECT just how I am and show up. It is really about putting me FIRST above anyone else, not in a selfish way, as I have best friends who mean the world to me, but as they are my best friends they would want the best for me, and that is testament of them. are they the best friends of the new version or the old version of Kelly.. The Kelly that gave, gave, gave, until I was hollowed out or the new version that is self empowered, going after my dreams, making shit happen, changing the world (one smile at a time)

    I would hope that my Besties would want the Latter. as that is a testament of the type of friendships that I want. Where we prop each other up with “words of affirmation.”

    words of affirmation? as I am sitting here at like 10am, writing this blog, thinking about why validation is so important in my life. out of nowhere I get this ping of needing validation from someone that I am good enough. That to know someone remembers me, that I matter. This is the stuff we like to keep hidden below the covers, hoping no one will really know what goes on in the pits of ones core. “am i good enough”

    “am i good enough” goes back to am I good enough for myself. By not showing up for myself, that is a proven word, that I am not living up to my potential, as I believe that If I stop and focus on me and not peform for LOVE and ATTENTION that I will be forgotten.

    comes back to self worth! there is some truth to it all. Fake it till you make it. if I can pretend to have it together and work on myself, over time of faking it, a habit it formed and then i wont need to fake it because it will just be!

    As I went down the rabbit hole and layers upon layers of my psyche. what did I really figure out? I don’t have to have all or any answers to life. fake it till you make it but to me that applies to going to yoga, getting daily movement in.

    This was a bit daunting to write AS much as I have, and to know that MINDSET is KEY!

    Affirmations are Key!

    Making the bed is Key!

    Taking out the trash is Key!

    Keeping up on house chores is Key!

    Its the little things that are daily things that neeed to be done that put me first and my enegy not drained. To be an Adult.

    ggg

  • Nov. 26, 2025 (finding ME)

    Nov. 26, 2025 (finding ME)

    Waking up and realizing that what the universe has been putting in my life as a lesson was Not Choosing Me! Giving my power away to others. As I type this, a tightness in my chest is there, not knowing what to do with it. Yes, choosing me is great in concept, but how does one actually put it into place, into action?

    I have chosen relationships where I give, give, give and give some more to be loved! The last one, I dug holes for 10 trees in clay soil, hauled off the old dirt and replaced the soil with soil on my farm. so this gets into another topic of keeping score. If I volunteered to do this, this should come with no expectations and no resentments but when the lines get blurred and I start to feel being taking advantage of even thru free giving, I need to take a step back and re evaluate. Its such a fine line of free giving / hoping this will bring us closer. but this goes even deeper of my friend holding my abandonment wound. Allowing me to cry and her with her cancer sign saying I got you and not going anywhere.

    She held my abandonment wound, but at the same time, i was giving and giving. I was being hollowed out just becoming a shell. with expectations of us getting closer and being loved. this period lasted over a month, until I broke. I finally told her that I am done, I had to go visit another friend and cry on her shoulder as I had nothiing more to give. I had to cry her out of my system!

    I told her one night after we went to dinner and she spent an hour talking about her ex that I was done! That it was too painful to like her, and I cried her out of my system! That was my breaking point! I wanted her so bad but at the same time, I was losing myself in the process, the farm I run, I abandoned, I abandoned myself and the community I run/lead/host. Everyone knew something I didn’t except me. They saw the writing on the wall, but I was so far in it that I couldn’t see it. Even my family knew. This is something I needed to go thru by myself.

    This was / is what the Universe put into my life as a lesson! to finally wake me up! This lesson was going to be a very painful one! and even to this day, right now, as I type this, I can feel the pain, of choosing myself. as this is unchartered territory of facing the unknown. Will I be ok if I choose me? WIll I survive if that safety net be false in nature is not prioritized and I put myself first? All unknowns. I have amazing friends that have stuck by me thru the thick and thin! no judgement just holding space for me to see the light. these are my rocks! but also learning / leaning into ME and allowing myself to be MY ROCK!

    I feel like my friend who I had limerence with is to some degree a person in my life who does love me in her capacity, but putting so much pressure on her, wasn’t fair to her and I can see why she would pull back. We would text every day, and YES I am / was co dependent on her to reassure me that I have value. That was so unfair of me to do to her, as she has so many things she is dealing with and she made time for me, even just a one word text to say I matter.

    today, I am getting back into the gardens on property! to get back into the soil where I grow amaznig crops and give them away to community as a way to give back to humanity for all the gifts I have been given. I have a saying that is in the back of my mind

    “PAY IT FORWARD” what I hold so dear to my heart. this is just a summary of whats in my mind. this is my second day of getting back to blogging since july. one of my biggest fears with writing, was it good enough to post, which goes back to my worth. knowing that a blog is just that, my thoughts. whether they make sense to anyone is beside the point. just my point of view.

    im leaning into knowing that I am good enough however I show up, which has been instilled in me by my therapist Brian Kurtz, healedbyspirit.com he has seen me grow in over 5 years. I have taking a healing course from him and also a shadow work class.

    Shadow Work is what I have been also doing for the past month, which includes sittin with my pain and also opening my heart, and giving myself permission to sit with my friends trauma’s and feel what she felt at the time of her betrayal from her partner. one week I criend for a week, to put myself in her shoes and in turn helped heal a trauma of mine where i cheated on a partner from the past and i put myself in my ex partners shoes and felt what i did to her. this is all shadow work and will get into this a bit later

    I am going to start wriitng whatever comes to light and maybe it makes sense and maybe it doesnt. but it will be from the present moment of my feels / thoughts.

    today I choose me!!!!!!!!! that is a HUGE STEP FOR ME

  • November 25, 2026

    my friend is back home visiting family, and so happy for her that she finally got to get from under the chaos of her life and is able to be free to be her and recharge. She hasn’t been home in over 5 months is what I’m thinking.

    I got her dogs this weekend and don’t plan on calling her / texting until she is back next week. We usually text daily, but not really feeling the call to text her at all. my gift to her is to just give her a break and even give myself a break.

    What is this need to feel I have to check in to be validated. This need in another person to feel whole, and not being able to hold my worth by just being.

    I had a 10am therapy call with Brian from healedbyspirit. and been writing the last 25 years of my life, and to sit with him and go thru that. haven’t had that many jobs, but the growth within over the last 5 years has been so significant and most has been thru spirituality and the mindset of attachements, traumas, opening up my heart for other peoples traumas, holding safe space, being a protector, learning to be my own best friend and holding space for myself. Seeing my patterns, dissecting them, breaking them down, and learning how to be the best version of my life.

    i am just getting back into blogging after taking a considerable amount of time off as i got distracted but this last friendship has helped me transform as a person in more ways then I can count. Especially with my friend holding my abandonment wound. I would say her name but due to confidentiality she is gonna be referred to as “her” again, me holding safety in the highest regard.

    will come back to this after awhile.

  • present moment

    so much gratitude for myself for getting out of the house and getting down to deep eddy pool, out of my comfort zone of sitting in my thoughts and over analyzing ALL of them to packing a bag, getting my swim and yoga stuff together. Downloading a book from my mentor Brian Kurtz healedbyspirit.com “accessing the real you” and heading out to get some rays, take a nap, do yoga, and swim 30 lengths of the pool. To jump start my triathlon training, and how it felt so good to be back in the water doing laps.

    To feel the Freedom of getting away from the farm and BEING FREE! Love the Farm don’t get me wrong but the freedom of just doing something for me felt even better.

    Staying in the present moment of just being! Wondering to myself, why haven’t I done this sooner. I believe I had to go thru the period of darkness to see the light. The period of time of being alone, dealing with loneliness, and to feel all the feelings that went along with that period.

    To really feel the True Freedom of being present and doing stuff for me, is much more appreciated from coming from the place of aloneness. I don’t think I would appreciate it as much as I do now. To give myself permission! Permission to relax and be me is key to all of this. Before I would probably feel guilty of I need to do this or that but now, I don’t this is MY TIME to be me however that looks like and to put ME FIRST!

    Present Moment feels quite transformative as putting me first hasn’t happend in a long time. Super Grateful of the Self Love I have for me, after shying away from co dependence and if this person doesn’t validate me or my actions then I’m not gonna be happy.

    That all changed the moment I started this blog, starting painting, and detaching my co dependency. And Now started a detox, putting my health first, exercise, me time, and its so refreshing and Freeing

  • The lonely world of transformation

    a friend of mine told me “you are the one that has to walk thru your own shoes.”

    I have now changed the word from I have to, of that “I get to”

    Get to is to be grateful of the work that I’m allowing myself to do. Before I corrected this statement I put, “allowing myself to go thru the work” “go thru” sounds forced in my opinion

    another friend of mine told me “words are spellings, and the root of spelling is spell” to cast a spell. So I tend to change my phrasing as this life, and how I choose to walk this path is a choice, not an obligation.

    To walk this path to not be the person I was last week, month, year, or a past lifetime. It’s a solo journey into one’s behavior, mind, and action. The good news is it can be a group thing too, as surrounding yourself with people that lift you up.

    I thought about deleting this post as it may sound a bit debbie downer but to be authentic is to share the good with the mucky waters to get to a place of clarity and build inner strength,.

    It is so easy for me NOT to do the WORK as how its spelled out, this is work, a deep commitment to oneself of not glossing over the person I was and the person I strive to be.

    yes, I could look at this in a different way and instead of lonely like its a bad thing, could rephrase it as a time I get to spend alone doing the work.

    yes, I should be outside tending to gardens, pulling weeds, harvesting crops, as just a few days ago we had over 75 organic cucumbers on the kitchen table in my house. and I know the tomatoes are ripening and the basil needs pruning. yes all things that need to be done, but I’m choosing to be painting, writing, watching some tv, and being with myself

    tomorrow is a day of digging a 100ft trench 18″ deep to run piping. so I should be grateful of what I get to do, instead of manual labor.

    so the thought process on my title was good as it helped me reframe my thoughts and processes.

    good day

  • Why Control ? of people, circumstances, self, places, relationships, and just control in general

    I am guilty of using control to get my way, to manipulate situations, I have used it in relationships, in pretty much all areas of life.

    The word “control” scares me as it sends me back to childhood and not being safe.

    This came up today in a conversation I was having and it caused me to start looking at myself. Something that sits so uneasy with me as in the present moment, I really try so hard to be mindful of my actions, and how they affect others, and if I misstep, I make amends or apologize for my actions. I am not the same person as I have been in the past. Its not easy for me to admit and quite a bit shameful of being that person. No one wants to admit when you have had qualities of a person that is not becoming and worry what the outcomes could be if someone knew I have flaws.

    I guess that is what this blog is all about, being 100 percent authentic, the good with the bad. Into the darkness there is light. From living a life of no boundaries, entitlement, control, fear, being insecure and living in fear.

    I think about why does one become controlling ? The feeling I got when I typed this is fear of going deep to find the answer. I have an answer but then don’t have an answer, and its hard to put on paper. Fear keeps coming up ! dominance, low self esteem, society which is kind of a cop out, learned behavior, for me learning communication skills has really helped me curb this.

    Honesty and using your voice to express feelings, being vulnerable with someone in a calm way, leaning into fears, having compassion for yourself, allowing yourself to just be. When I started giving myself permission to feel, just be, and trust in me and in another then why do we need to control.

    when i think of control, i think of someone who has not done the work, sat with themselves, analyzed there actions, looked at the repercussions of using control. Its like future seeing, if you can see how your actions will cause an outcome to go a certain way and what you could lose, maybe it would stop a person from acting a certain way.

    What is the difference in control and asking for someone to do something. Control in my opinion is forceful and asking for something is not control.

    Diving into control has really eased my fear over putting my thoughts on paper, and being free to share, I’m releasing any control that control has over me.

    when i did my first and only ayahuasca many moons ago, I let go of two parsites in my body, only way to describe it. I was pushing two things out of my body and that was controlling others and being controlled. but that is the first step, the second step is integration and learning what you gave up and being mindful when those actions or thoughts creep back in, maybe at a time when you are triggered. and catch yourself. and even for me, I can sense, when patterns start to creep in, and I can catch my patterns and pinpoint where they start, and figure out whats going on in mind and body to correct the action from forming.

    I’m a bit of an overthinker, and love to analyze everything, including my actions. I have done 20+ years of therapy and at one time, had 3 therapists at the same time, once a week. Hence, why I am so good at holding space, listening, relating, and looking at patterns in me and others.

    Ive gone to therapy for relationships, co dependency, anger, addictions and self esteem to name a few. I feel I could be a therapist with all I have gone thru.

    And still with all the therapy, I still can act human, not an excuse but a true fact. But the difference is I catch myself before stuff happens and if it does, I go back and make amends, apologize, and look into my actions and correct them and find where it started.

    when someone doesn’t have control in certain situations in their life they take it out on others. I was trying to figure out where the origin is. and I think that is it.

    Why it is so important to develop communication skills and to be honest in self and word. To be vulnerable with others, surround yourself with people that are non toxic and loving, I choose to be around people that are doing the work, done the shadow work, and their talk matches their walk. Its a choice to make! We can choose freedom of not being our past selves, and stay in the present moment.

    I am learning this all too well. Staying in the present moment is where the MAGIC happens. When you feel you need to control a situation like I have done, take deep breaths, put yourself in another’s shoes, we all have stories, traumas, hurts, and be mindful because this world doesn’t revolve around me.

    This is Shadow work, not pretty stuff, but it’s a must if you want to be a better person. Put yourself out there on paper and even post it for whoever to see.

    World this is ME!

  • Inner Childness?

    Innocence of the world, as a child, fear and anxiety didn’t exist only play that everything in my world was taken care of. Had plenty of love as I didn’t know of anything different. When I read “Mastery of Love” by Don Miguel Ruiz.

    “The happiest moments in our lives are when we are playing just like children, when we are singing and dancing, when we are exploring and creating just for fun. It is wonderful when we behave like a child because this is the normal human mind, the normal human tendency.” by Don Miguel Ruiz The Mastery of Love

    This is from the first chapter of Mastery of Love one of my favorite books, and for some reason the first chapter always stuck out to me about being childlike and innocent.

    Why? because I was SAFE! Safety is so so Huge for me. It’s like being wrapped in a warm, weighted blanket, that some say represents being in your mothers womb. I delve into why I keep coming back to the inner child, over and over again in my daily life. to be free of no worries in the world. Hence why I took news apps off my phone, don’t have social media, keep a small group of friends, have a farm, live in community, work on myself and my way of being. All ways to keep my mind free of influence, my being Safe, and to be able to live in a way that is Free.

    This way of living isn’t normal whatever normal is but it is what I have adopted in my life. I strive to protect my way of being, as like Joe Dispenza says “your thoughts can make you sick.”

    Hence, why I strive to keep Unconditional Love in my life and have adopted a practice of mindfulness. During my last medicine journey, my intention was to delve into all aspects of unconditional love.

    I need to get back into coloring, as I love to use a coloring book. and have this dream of painting to just paint. Want to build a double sided 4ft easel on wheels and put it in my living room on a tarp and just paint whenever I feel the need and want to express myself which tends to be more often then not.

    also on my bucket list is to get a potters wheel and a kiln. as I have enough power on property that I can get a commercial kiln. All things that go back to living a life of innocence. I believe living in world of Unconditional Love for self and being in your inner child starts with going after the wants in life then the needs. I think the needs will get met when the wants starts happening.

    Getting back to a place of me and doing my thing will allow the peace in me to flourish, instead of giving my power away. Not so much giving my power away but have it where its contingent on another. People are also trying to figure out their own world and I think is so so so beautiful to witness. I think we can, all be and live to prop up each other to live a life of innocence, playfulness and fun, while also taking care of responsibilities as adults.

    who wants to come play and live this life ?

    There is the double sided easel built today, and not a carpenter! But wanted to build an easel and paint and we did it

  • What does it mean to stay in a playful world of being in your inner child?

    First off, there would be a rainbow of colors, different fonts, glitter, fairy’s, and a world of make believe. Their would be no rules just FREE to be ME.

    I woke up this morning and felt FREE even just for a little bit, which felt like PURE HEAVEN! no worries, second guessing about sending this text or what about this or that.

    How does one stay Present? As all we have in life is the Here and the NOW. What was sent yesterday in a text or what could or could not happen in the future is a time that is un written. The PRESENT moment is where the MAGIC happens,.

    Easier said than done as we are programmed to worry, have anxiety, fear, being alone, not loved, not being loving enough, not showing empathy. Whatever the case of what we carry in our depths of life.

    A very dear friend is the master of staying present, and just in AWE of how she does it. I dream of being able to do that.

    There is another concept, we live in our dreams, we get to be our own superhero and play in our dreams as we are free. I believe our dreams are our subconscious, and if my subconscious wants to be free, be light, have fun and keep it playful then my dream world will be just that.

    This is truly what I strive for! How can I stay in my inner child of present moments and be FREE?

    as I contemplate this question, fear and anxiety are coming to the forefront of my thoughts., what about this or that. am I loved enough, do I have the guts to show my vulnerabilities, and just be free without a doubt in the world. I believe Self Love is the KEY to being Free. For me, exercise / eating right is so Huge in my life. Getting in my morning yoga and if time permits, getting in my evening yoga mat time too. I find 2 yoga classes a day seem to really work for me and the therapy it provides. Mat time is just so essential on staying playful, positive, and FREE.

    I started the blog to go on my transformational journey of life, and at first, it started out a bit dark and heavy but as I go thru my days, its getting lighter. I think there is a balance of dark and light. for me, its not so much blame or this person did this or that. I’m old enough in life to take my own responsibility. and base things on true facts, can’t blame parents for this or that, I can just state facts of what happened and delve thru it all. Be proactive and find solutions, or just sit with it and the solutions will come.

    How does what I just said have anything to do with staying in your inner child? Mindset! How you view the world. People go around blaming others and not taking responsibilities and I’m like this because of this or that. Maybe so, but blame does nothing.

    Sometimes just being is all that matters in life! again, staying in the present moment.

    As I talk out on paper my thought process, and thank you for reading if anyone reads these, how I can stay in the present moment. I was just telling a friend, that I am able to start a blog and write so freely, as I don’t work for a company, have a boss, doesn’t matter if I overshare or not being of some companies image. I am FREE to be ME!

    Its TRUST that everything will work out like its supposed to in the greater good, that picking the friends that I have are good people that are also full of love. We lift each other up when we are down, and just there for one another. There maybe times of heaviness but the LOVE is there and always will be, as I am LOYAL to a fault. My inner circle is SO LOVED and CHERISHED !

    I feel when you have good people around you, that just adore you as much as you adore yourself, its easier to get into your inner child as you are supported to just be you or me.

    I started a community where we live in harmony with one another, and have weekly dinners. As I feel community is where the MAGIC happens. Even people that don’t live on property come and hang out with us. I am just so grateful that I have a property that this can take place on and have attracted like minded people that also want to play in community. “play” as life should be about.

    Community where it be a garden community or group of friends that come together is key in my opinion. We as a whole have gone down a weird 5 years where the world has pumped fear and aloneness in our being. I believe the TRUE MAGIC comes to LIGHT when we come together as families chosen or biological and share the LOVE that each of us Have, Want to have, Want to Share, Be apart of. We ALL have this Desire to be LOVED and CHERISHED!

    If you haven’t spoken to a dear friend in a while, reach out! Call a family member just to say hi. Again, All we have is the present moment!

  • How to hold onto that feeling of overall Peace ?

    Sense a Calm after a storm of emotions, waking up and seeing dew on the grass, the wind blowing in the trees, and staying present.

    Learning to stay in the Present Moments of self, looking into what may spike my overall sense of peace. Whether that be caffeine, nicotine, worry, fear, anxiety. Remembering “all is well” however I show up.

    Getting back to my self of coming from a place of groundedness. Learning to play back when I do get anxious and I feel the pattern of unease start to drift in, what did I do or say to myself of just being, to be me, and get back to that sense of peace. What were my thoughts or not thoughts that brought me back to secure attachment style of self and others.

    Knowing I am loved and won’t be abandoned when I don’t give give and give more. I have learned even in childhood that love is conditional and that has even followed me into adulthood. Is it ok to just be me and that is enough for someone to like me or consider me family. This is my struggle in life.

    Writing my thoughts down gives me a sense of peace, allowing the words to come thru and be put on paper or typing on a computer screen. To be heard, not for validation reasons, but for me to work thru the emotions / feelings and sit with what I am writing. This is My Work of life, to break the patterns, to a new way of thinking. To really feel and understand that how I show up in life is enough.

    Not just writing but also getting in my almost daily yoga practice helps, like today going to the 7pm yoga flow with Jenni B and 830pm yin with Lexie. I have started leaning into alone time on my mat, picking an intention that comes to mind when I feel grounded. The other day I picked “clarity” and was amazed that during the day, the word clarity kept popping up in conversations, what i was reading and in my thoughts. Its like the universe showed me that is what is Most Needed in my life at the moment.

    Community is so helpful! Living in community where we are all a family to come together, to listen to one another, break bread, and even like today. We are coming together to make homemade pizzas with what we harvested from the gardens. We do chores on property, eat together, play music, and are their for one another. Life is pretty grand.

    At the same time, showing up grounded and being mindful is a key to community in my opinion, and that is doing the individual work to be able to stay present and hold space when needed to have a striving / working community. Hence why this blog is so essential to my wellbeing. A way for me to share my thoughts and not bottle them up inside.

    What is Peace of mind, body and spirit? to get my big boy pants on, get back out in the gardens, and put a good days work in. throw some headphones in, listen to music, do some dancing while gardening , put my hands in the soil and connect back to the plants.

    What is Peace to you?

  • Random thoughts

    Emotions come and go, I put a question up there on what does it feel like to be loved, held and supported, then drew a blank. Tired probably of doing 2 hours of hot yoga today which is to be loved of self.

    what does it feel like to be loved / held / and supported? Hard to put what it feels like into words. When I read a touching text message on it, tears flow and I take it all in that no matter what, I am loved and matter. (I know I matter to so many but when you read it in a way that its unconditional love and how its deep from someone’s heart, something about it just causes you to feel a certain way)

    I know self love is a way to feel loved and when I say I need to love me or my inner child to feel loved, and its on me. Well at times, I am tired of carrying that kind of load.

    what does it feel like to get a hug from someone special in your life and for them to say “I Love You” it means I feel SAFE. it feels like a warm blanket all around me and know that I matter to someone else. That I am LOVED! that they won’t let anything happen to me. which can be taken back to my childhood and being safe and protected. My childhood was a tough at times, and many of times didn’t feel safe and protected. Probably why I try to be safe to others and protect them when I can because I know the feelings all to well. so maybe I am a bit more empathetic then i think I am. I guess I need to give myself permission to feel and allow it.

    what does unconditional love feel like. My red and white border collie dog Aries is the prime example of it. Always happy to see me, snuggle with me, keep me safe, and feel like he knows what im talking about. wicked smart! if I could figure out how to post a pic i would of him. next time.

    well i am off to bed as i can’t see straight. thank you for reading my posts and being kind .

    farmer kelly