Authentic and Free to be me

Tag: mindfulness

  • Why Control ? of people, circumstances, self, places, relationships, and just control in general

    I am guilty of using control to get my way, to manipulate situations, I have used it in relationships, in pretty much all areas of life.

    The word “control” scares me as it sends me back to childhood and not being safe.

    This came up today in a conversation I was having and it caused me to start looking at myself. Something that sits so uneasy with me as in the present moment, I really try so hard to be mindful of my actions, and how they affect others, and if I misstep, I make amends or apologize for my actions. I am not the same person as I have been in the past. Its not easy for me to admit and quite a bit shameful of being that person. No one wants to admit when you have had qualities of a person that is not becoming and worry what the outcomes could be if someone knew I have flaws.

    I guess that is what this blog is all about, being 100 percent authentic, the good with the bad. Into the darkness there is light. From living a life of no boundaries, entitlement, control, fear, being insecure and living in fear.

    I think about why does one become controlling ? The feeling I got when I typed this is fear of going deep to find the answer. I have an answer but then don’t have an answer, and its hard to put on paper. Fear keeps coming up ! dominance, low self esteem, society which is kind of a cop out, learned behavior, for me learning communication skills has really helped me curb this.

    Honesty and using your voice to express feelings, being vulnerable with someone in a calm way, leaning into fears, having compassion for yourself, allowing yourself to just be. When I started giving myself permission to feel, just be, and trust in me and in another then why do we need to control.

    when i think of control, i think of someone who has not done the work, sat with themselves, analyzed there actions, looked at the repercussions of using control. Its like future seeing, if you can see how your actions will cause an outcome to go a certain way and what you could lose, maybe it would stop a person from acting a certain way.

    What is the difference in control and asking for someone to do something. Control in my opinion is forceful and asking for something is not control.

    Diving into control has really eased my fear over putting my thoughts on paper, and being free to share, I’m releasing any control that control has over me.

    when i did my first and only ayahuasca many moons ago, I let go of two parsites in my body, only way to describe it. I was pushing two things out of my body and that was controlling others and being controlled. but that is the first step, the second step is integration and learning what you gave up and being mindful when those actions or thoughts creep back in, maybe at a time when you are triggered. and catch yourself. and even for me, I can sense, when patterns start to creep in, and I can catch my patterns and pinpoint where they start, and figure out whats going on in mind and body to correct the action from forming.

    I’m a bit of an overthinker, and love to analyze everything, including my actions. I have done 20+ years of therapy and at one time, had 3 therapists at the same time, once a week. Hence, why I am so good at holding space, listening, relating, and looking at patterns in me and others.

    Ive gone to therapy for relationships, co dependency, anger, addictions and self esteem to name a few. I feel I could be a therapist with all I have gone thru.

    And still with all the therapy, I still can act human, not an excuse but a true fact. But the difference is I catch myself before stuff happens and if it does, I go back and make amends, apologize, and look into my actions and correct them and find where it started.

    when someone doesn’t have control in certain situations in their life they take it out on others. I was trying to figure out where the origin is. and I think that is it.

    Why it is so important to develop communication skills and to be honest in self and word. To be vulnerable with others, surround yourself with people that are non toxic and loving, I choose to be around people that are doing the work, done the shadow work, and their talk matches their walk. Its a choice to make! We can choose freedom of not being our past selves, and stay in the present moment.

    I am learning this all too well. Staying in the present moment is where the MAGIC happens. When you feel you need to control a situation like I have done, take deep breaths, put yourself in another’s shoes, we all have stories, traumas, hurts, and be mindful because this world doesn’t revolve around me.

    This is Shadow work, not pretty stuff, but it’s a must if you want to be a better person. Put yourself out there on paper and even post it for whoever to see.

    World this is ME!

  • How to hold onto that feeling of overall Peace ?

    Sense a Calm after a storm of emotions, waking up and seeing dew on the grass, the wind blowing in the trees, and staying present.

    Learning to stay in the Present Moments of self, looking into what may spike my overall sense of peace. Whether that be caffeine, nicotine, worry, fear, anxiety. Remembering “all is well” however I show up.

    Getting back to my self of coming from a place of groundedness. Learning to play back when I do get anxious and I feel the pattern of unease start to drift in, what did I do or say to myself of just being, to be me, and get back to that sense of peace. What were my thoughts or not thoughts that brought me back to secure attachment style of self and others.

    Knowing I am loved and won’t be abandoned when I don’t give give and give more. I have learned even in childhood that love is conditional and that has even followed me into adulthood. Is it ok to just be me and that is enough for someone to like me or consider me family. This is my struggle in life.

    Writing my thoughts down gives me a sense of peace, allowing the words to come thru and be put on paper or typing on a computer screen. To be heard, not for validation reasons, but for me to work thru the emotions / feelings and sit with what I am writing. This is My Work of life, to break the patterns, to a new way of thinking. To really feel and understand that how I show up in life is enough.

    Not just writing but also getting in my almost daily yoga practice helps, like today going to the 7pm yoga flow with Jenni B and 830pm yin with Lexie. I have started leaning into alone time on my mat, picking an intention that comes to mind when I feel grounded. The other day I picked “clarity” and was amazed that during the day, the word clarity kept popping up in conversations, what i was reading and in my thoughts. Its like the universe showed me that is what is Most Needed in my life at the moment.

    Community is so helpful! Living in community where we are all a family to come together, to listen to one another, break bread, and even like today. We are coming together to make homemade pizzas with what we harvested from the gardens. We do chores on property, eat together, play music, and are their for one another. Life is pretty grand.

    At the same time, showing up grounded and being mindful is a key to community in my opinion, and that is doing the individual work to be able to stay present and hold space when needed to have a striving / working community. Hence why this blog is so essential to my wellbeing. A way for me to share my thoughts and not bottle them up inside.

    What is Peace of mind, body and spirit? to get my big boy pants on, get back out in the gardens, and put a good days work in. throw some headphones in, listen to music, do some dancing while gardening , put my hands in the soil and connect back to the plants.

    What is Peace to you?

  • the beauty of a solid yoga practice

    This morning I felt this calling to get on my mat to sort thru feelings, feelings of how to re establish my purpose in life. To get excited to get back into the gardens. Yes, I do have a community garden that I started but at times I get into my feels and it gets put on the back burner, Good thing I have such beautiful support on property when this happens.

    so back to my purpose ! Currently its about a solid yoga practice! being with your mat, just you and the mat, breath and thoughts is all I need. Its cheaper than a therapist and since I work at Blackswanyoga doing a work trade its free to attend all the classes I want. I Love Love Love the teachers at Black Swan. They put so much love into their classes. I am still in awe, on how they curate a class with music and how the music changes with each step of class. For them to memorize the correct name of each pose, talk thru class with such love. I took a yin yoga workshop with my sister from another mother Mari Bird. She taught that workshop with such love and how she shows up to all her classes she teaches.

    Back to the yoga mat. This morning, was different. Deep in thought, working thru a bit of a fog in my psyche, with tears forming and hope I could get the release as sometimes we all just need a good cry. I felt more centered than normal, usually I can be kind of a spaz / dancing while doing yoga. depends on my mood but today was just in a trance so to speak. Leaning into the pain in my heart and trying to shake it. How to detach from some aspects of my life and reattach in my purpose. I’m holding too strongly and co dependancy is happening and need to detach to get my bearings back, get grounded and find me again. My intention for class was, Clarity. perfect !

    Class was probably one of the Best Classes I have taken in a long time, I am in good shape, flexibility is on point and did do 2 perfect trees on both sides. Huge for me!

    After class, started to listening to one of my favorite songs

    author Satsang song is I AM

    On the drive home, the thought of a blog came to my thoughts, walked into my house and went straight to figuring out how to make it happen. and Here I am!