Authentic and Free to be me

Tag: relationships

  • when you get up at 330am because that is the normal time you wake up

    I tend to wake up quite a bit around the 3am area and then somehow go back to sleep. I woke up feeling at peace which is such a nice feeling to have.

    I read an article yesterday about how to practice empathy. How to become more empathetic, talked about asking people to share their story, to walk in another persons shoes. I feel and want to see what its like to hear other people’s stories. I have such good friends and know some of their stories and it is just so heartbreaking.

    We all have stories of struggle and pain, but to get to a place in friendships where some will open up and share to me, I hold that just so dear to my heart that they trust me enough to share their stories.

    Its so easy to look at someone and be like “look at you” how could you have pain, you have led a privledged life, or you are so athletic, beautiful, or what not. Its easy to cast judgements of others to see surface stuff, I’m guilty of it, but when I get to see below the surface and friends or even strangers tell you their stories, then it pulls at your heartstrings.

    To really listen to my female friends and what they have to endure in a male dominated world. No words can describe the struggle and pain. A past romantic interest would tell me how clients would talk to her and call her sweetie, dear, and other things, and was just appalled. she would tell me how the world is male dominated.

    I love to hear stories of how women are kicking ass and dominating in a male dominated world. I would love to see a woman president, I think more would get done and more love would be cast around the world. If a woman can bear a child, have moon cycles, and be just so empathetic would say a lot about life in general. Women and their protective natures, the absolute best on keeping me safe.

    Yes, I tend to have more women friends. I just relate more to women, and men that are more sensitive in nature. men that have caring hearts and more heartfelt. I feel I am bit more sensitive than the normal guy, doesn’t make me less mainly, as I feel I have more talents then most men. In my human design, one of my gifts is this natural ability to have talents that just come to me

    of course when i come back to my computer after snuggling with aries the clock reads 4:44 , I always see triple digits. happens everyday, and sometimes 3 times a day, no this doesn’t mean i sit by the phone or clock or look for them, they just appear. then i look up angel number meanings.

  • Random thoughts

    Emotions come and go, I put a question up there on what does it feel like to be loved, held and supported, then drew a blank. Tired probably of doing 2 hours of hot yoga today which is to be loved of self.

    what does it feel like to be loved / held / and supported? Hard to put what it feels like into words. When I read a touching text message on it, tears flow and I take it all in that no matter what, I am loved and matter. (I know I matter to so many but when you read it in a way that its unconditional love and how its deep from someone’s heart, something about it just causes you to feel a certain way)

    I know self love is a way to feel loved and when I say I need to love me or my inner child to feel loved, and its on me. Well at times, I am tired of carrying that kind of load.

    what does it feel like to get a hug from someone special in your life and for them to say “I Love You” it means I feel SAFE. it feels like a warm blanket all around me and know that I matter to someone else. That I am LOVED! that they won’t let anything happen to me. which can be taken back to my childhood and being safe and protected. My childhood was a tough at times, and many of times didn’t feel safe and protected. Probably why I try to be safe to others and protect them when I can because I know the feelings all to well. so maybe I am a bit more empathetic then i think I am. I guess I need to give myself permission to feel and allow it.

    what does unconditional love feel like. My red and white border collie dog Aries is the prime example of it. Always happy to see me, snuggle with me, keep me safe, and feel like he knows what im talking about. wicked smart! if I could figure out how to post a pic i would of him. next time.

    well i am off to bed as i can’t see straight. thank you for reading my posts and being kind .

    farmer kelly

  • why would anyone want to choose this path?

    when its easier to gloss over the pain with tv, addictions, and other low vibe things.

    Well for years, I have had many addictions, and love to get into a series on tv or netflix and lose myself, call it disassociation of reality. Sometimes Netflix is needed don’t get me wrong, in moderation.

    Even in the last few days have I restarted down this path of self discovery. I had an amazing therapist Brian Kurtz healedbyspirit.com, I did a 90 min session once a week for 2 years. I have taken his level 1 healing course too. He has helped me thru identity stuff, finding boundaries, using my voice, discernment and have taken his shadow workshop. All in attempts to know that I am good just how I show up! That I am loved however I show up. Which at times I find very helpful even today. If no one reads these words, that is also good. A friend of mine just explained the need of non attachment, which I should focus on during my writings, as I struggle with validation. so yes, gonna focus my writings in a non attached way and just put it out there, like how an artist paints a picture and just puts it out there for anyone to see. writing is my art and here I am just putting it out there.

    Why this path of self discovery? for one, it allows me to put my thoughts into word form and on paper so I can go back and read them over and over again, in attempts to gain insight into my thought patterns, and over time these patterns will heal, and also may spark insight into other patterns that I may have missed in an attempt to be the best version of myself. A version that is so empathetic.

    I strive in life to be more empathetic and have true empathy with all living things. I feel empathy is such a beautiful concept, and to some it comes naturally and to others its a learned skill. I feel we ALL have a form of empathy but I strive to have that ache in my heart and to be wide open to feel it all! Call me weird, but I want to be tapped into it ALL!!!

    Why this Path, the path of enlightenment? When I think about enlightenment, I think of unconditional love. the ability to have love for all, which is like the same of empathy in a sense. but also different. Love is to be given freely without anything in return, empathy is to feel the love of others and the pain and sadness. also the idea is to feel anothers emotions and also realize they are not my emotions to bear the pain or take them on. I strive to get to a place of being healthy in mind / body / spirit to practice unconditonal love all the time! What I am working towards. going to take a lot of self love to get there.

    Attachment styles! another one of my pain points! I have all 3 secure, anxious, and avoidant. This will be topics of other posts going forward. I read the book Attached, great book, a must read. I want to get to a place of secure attachment all the way around but that starts with me! Can’t love another if I am off internally. hence why this blog got started. lol

    why this path? why not! If I was gonna go after a dream or purpose in my life, what not a better thing to go after than becoming a beacon of light for others by healing my wounds. I have read my human design charts and I’m destined to change the world as we know it and I can’t do that being internally / spiritually wounded.

    Thank You whoever read this far, and welcome to my journey of healing as we will need others to help change the world too.