Authentic and Free to be me

Tag: selflove

  • To Abandon ones self!

    what does it mean to abandon yourself?

    this is something that has been in psyche for a while now, not knowing it was there bubbling to the surface. For being an ENFP personality type on the myers briggs personality test. “the campaigner” I am a people pleaser, how did I get this way. Well I have done deep dives into this, where is the origin of why I am. As hard as this is for me to write, it must be written. I want to write more and have great things in my persona to write about its just about where do I start, do I have the courage to go into my psyche to push out what needs to be scraped from my phyche .

    TO show up day in and day out exactly how you are, unapolegetically. I am ME and I am really PROUD of who I am and who I have become. I LOVE HARD!!! as I LOVE MYSELF! The problem along the way is, I want to be loved too by another human as much as I love myself. And even though I love myself I tend to Abandon myself when I find someone I have a connection with. I pour my vast amounts of love out there onto others, as I was taught in childhood that to get love you have to perform. That I am not good enough however I show up, as to why I do stuff for others to get the validation that I AM loved.

    Not a FAN of this pattern I have about myself. I wish I had the self worth, which goes back to how much I love myself. If I love myself so much, does that mean I have self worth. yes and no. when I can snap out of the co dependency of the cycle, take a step back, reflect on how I showed up, sit with myself, write a blog to process thought processes, then I can re align to my purpose of self!!!!!

    Knowing I am a GREAT GUY! that I am PERFECT just how I am and show up. It is really about putting me FIRST above anyone else, not in a selfish way, as I have best friends who mean the world to me, but as they are my best friends they would want the best for me, and that is testament of them. are they the best friends of the new version or the old version of Kelly.. The Kelly that gave, gave, gave, until I was hollowed out or the new version that is self empowered, going after my dreams, making shit happen, changing the world (one smile at a time)

    I would hope that my Besties would want the Latter. as that is a testament of the type of friendships that I want. Where we prop each other up with “words of affirmation.”

    words of affirmation? as I am sitting here at like 10am, writing this blog, thinking about why validation is so important in my life. out of nowhere I get this ping of needing validation from someone that I am good enough. That to know someone remembers me, that I matter. This is the stuff we like to keep hidden below the covers, hoping no one will really know what goes on in the pits of ones core. “am i good enough”

    “am i good enough” goes back to am I good enough for myself. By not showing up for myself, that is a proven word, that I am not living up to my potential, as I believe that If I stop and focus on me and not peform for LOVE and ATTENTION that I will be forgotten.

    comes back to self worth! there is some truth to it all. Fake it till you make it. if I can pretend to have it together and work on myself, over time of faking it, a habit it formed and then i wont need to fake it because it will just be!

    As I went down the rabbit hole and layers upon layers of my psyche. what did I really figure out? I don’t have to have all or any answers to life. fake it till you make it but to me that applies to going to yoga, getting daily movement in.

    This was a bit daunting to write AS much as I have, and to know that MINDSET is KEY!

    Affirmations are Key!

    Making the bed is Key!

    Taking out the trash is Key!

    Keeping up on house chores is Key!

    Its the little things that are daily things that neeed to be done that put me first and my enegy not drained. To be an Adult.

    ggg

  • present moment

    so much gratitude for myself for getting out of the house and getting down to deep eddy pool, out of my comfort zone of sitting in my thoughts and over analyzing ALL of them to packing a bag, getting my swim and yoga stuff together. Downloading a book from my mentor Brian Kurtz healedbyspirit.com “accessing the real you” and heading out to get some rays, take a nap, do yoga, and swim 30 lengths of the pool. To jump start my triathlon training, and how it felt so good to be back in the water doing laps.

    To feel the Freedom of getting away from the farm and BEING FREE! Love the Farm don’t get me wrong but the freedom of just doing something for me felt even better.

    Staying in the present moment of just being! Wondering to myself, why haven’t I done this sooner. I believe I had to go thru the period of darkness to see the light. The period of time of being alone, dealing with loneliness, and to feel all the feelings that went along with that period.

    To really feel the True Freedom of being present and doing stuff for me, is much more appreciated from coming from the place of aloneness. I don’t think I would appreciate it as much as I do now. To give myself permission! Permission to relax and be me is key to all of this. Before I would probably feel guilty of I need to do this or that but now, I don’t this is MY TIME to be me however that looks like and to put ME FIRST!

    Present Moment feels quite transformative as putting me first hasn’t happend in a long time. Super Grateful of the Self Love I have for me, after shying away from co dependence and if this person doesn’t validate me or my actions then I’m not gonna be happy.

    That all changed the moment I started this blog, starting painting, and detaching my co dependency. And Now started a detox, putting my health first, exercise, me time, and its so refreshing and Freeing

  • How to hold onto that feeling of overall Peace ?

    Sense a Calm after a storm of emotions, waking up and seeing dew on the grass, the wind blowing in the trees, and staying present.

    Learning to stay in the Present Moments of self, looking into what may spike my overall sense of peace. Whether that be caffeine, nicotine, worry, fear, anxiety. Remembering “all is well” however I show up.

    Getting back to my self of coming from a place of groundedness. Learning to play back when I do get anxious and I feel the pattern of unease start to drift in, what did I do or say to myself of just being, to be me, and get back to that sense of peace. What were my thoughts or not thoughts that brought me back to secure attachment style of self and others.

    Knowing I am loved and won’t be abandoned when I don’t give give and give more. I have learned even in childhood that love is conditional and that has even followed me into adulthood. Is it ok to just be me and that is enough for someone to like me or consider me family. This is my struggle in life.

    Writing my thoughts down gives me a sense of peace, allowing the words to come thru and be put on paper or typing on a computer screen. To be heard, not for validation reasons, but for me to work thru the emotions / feelings and sit with what I am writing. This is My Work of life, to break the patterns, to a new way of thinking. To really feel and understand that how I show up in life is enough.

    Not just writing but also getting in my almost daily yoga practice helps, like today going to the 7pm yoga flow with Jenni B and 830pm yin with Lexie. I have started leaning into alone time on my mat, picking an intention that comes to mind when I feel grounded. The other day I picked “clarity” and was amazed that during the day, the word clarity kept popping up in conversations, what i was reading and in my thoughts. Its like the universe showed me that is what is Most Needed in my life at the moment.

    Community is so helpful! Living in community where we are all a family to come together, to listen to one another, break bread, and even like today. We are coming together to make homemade pizzas with what we harvested from the gardens. We do chores on property, eat together, play music, and are their for one another. Life is pretty grand.

    At the same time, showing up grounded and being mindful is a key to community in my opinion, and that is doing the individual work to be able to stay present and hold space when needed to have a striving / working community. Hence why this blog is so essential to my wellbeing. A way for me to share my thoughts and not bottle them up inside.

    What is Peace of mind, body and spirit? to get my big boy pants on, get back out in the gardens, and put a good days work in. throw some headphones in, listen to music, do some dancing while gardening , put my hands in the soil and connect back to the plants.

    What is Peace to you?