Authentic and Free to be me

Tag: trust

  • To be Enough

    Last night was on a zoom call with my therapist Brian Kurtz, healed by spirit, who I saw once a week for 2 years, did 2 shadow workshops and a level 1 healers course. The zoom call is every Wednesday for returning students of his work.

    “You are good enough however you show up”

    This has been instilled in me from him for years, and in turn it stuck with me. Going back to the saying, “fake it until you make it.” The more I keep saying this to me, and how I share this with others, and allow myself to feel what this saying is, it starts to reign true.

    Bear with me as I go on a tangent in my mind, as I try and get my words out, get grounded, get into a flow, and start channeling. Brian thinks I channel thru typing. as I listen to the rain that is falling outside, not getting caught up into writing the perfect piece, as this is a blog, not a magazine article. this is a hobby to write, I am not jumping thru hoops to write a perfect piece. this is supposed to be fun, and as i take a step back. it is!

    Not take life so serious – to be enough

    to live day in and day out in gratitude – to be enough

    to have wonderful friends – to be enough

    to have the Best Dog and my best friend – to be enough

    to have the purest water from GAIA / Motherearth, who has blessed me, and in turn, chose me to be the steward – to be enough

    to the divine, who orchested events to allow this property to fall into my families hands, and in turn my father gifted me the opportunity to go after my dreams of gifting it back to community and spread unconditional love – to be enough

    to have a loving community on the farm that I hand picked to keep me safe, and for me to protect and keep them safe – to be enough

    As I am writing the last sentence, a smile formed, as I thought about the Kundalini Training I am in, and how I feel at home – to be enough

    FAMILY / Safe / Home

    this is my central theme recently. it comes up time and time again recently. I have done lots of yoga, and many of different studios, and have cried openly in class in many of studios, but at the same time felt ashamed for showing emotions, wiping away the tears, so no one would see the tears. is it acceptable to cry, is it ok to be real, especially in a world where you need to be put together. Then comes this recent experience, and how I feel it was divinely guided.

    I was at black swan yoga where I volunteer and my friend came in, and I never sit in the front row for one, and I set up my mat before anyone else got there. And my friend had her mat in the space next to where i was set up. and after class we talked a bit and hadn’t seen myfriend in ages. She said I am going to a kundalini class on Friday if i want to go. and I was like sure, I have always wanted to go to a Kundalini class. When Friday came around, I was like, what do you wear to Kundalini Class, so I googled it, cotton / linen, as they are natural fibers, and remember from the plant medicine world im in, thats what people wear. One thing I learned recently and I am guilty of this and wanting to change my ways, is that some clothing like lu lu lemon have forever chemicals in them, and linen / cotton are natural and help with energy movement, prana (energy), and are high frequency. I am a weird one as I love to go deep in the rabbit hole of life.

    From the Divine! I feel as if nothing is by chance! As I talk to the ceiing people on the daily, or my angels that I can’t see, but trust they are there listening, as I get number synchronicities at the right time, sometimes at my lowest spots in life. When I have given up hope, I willl look down at my phone and see a specific time and look up the angel number meaning, and it gets me hope that I am supported and not alone. What are the chances my friend and are would practice so close together, and even deeper, it all stemmed from another friend of ours who brought her to my farm to see it and pick up mushroom (mycellium) blocks to use in her garden. You never know the impact of one person in ones life, and the ripple effect. has happened to me more than once by one person.

    Divine Timing! I have been going thru years and years of not feeling safe to be me, to be good enough however I showed up. attending classes, not knowing the words or any idea of whats going on and I hear “fake it to you make it.” reassurance that I don’t have to have it all together, that I can “just be” and I am good enough. The safety I felt in the Kundalini class is something that can’t be faked, its either you embody safety in your persona, non judgement or you don’t. And I am a crier by nature, as I go thru my journey, i’ve come to a place of this is just who I am. to be able to shed tears not payed attention to and act like its normal is GOLD. its like a found a place, the divine knew is what I needed, a place and a person like the teacher who holds the safest container. Especially from a guy who has done 5 bufo ceremonies which is ego death, I know its all about a safe container. For me to surrender and allow the feelings to come to the surface, I NEED to feel SAFE! My angels know this is my next step in my journey. and it goes back to the word TRUST. When I’m uncertain about life, I goto sleep and utter the word TRUST, and tell the ceiliing people to keep me safe, hug my best friend Aries, red / white border collie, who is from the divine. He is reincarnated from a previous dog I had named Ernie, according to a dog whisperer. Who recently I found out has a purple aura when I dropped into the 5D, when i put my head to his and closed my eyes, his energy was purple, another time for how that happened. This all goes back to the fact that I am protected.

    I have gone thru so much in my life, as we all have hidden stories. What I have come to realize. To be kind to another person, and not judge, as you don’t know what they have been thru. When I meet someone and they trust me to share even a glimpse of their story, so grateful, that they trust me enough to share. As with this blog, I do my best not to share names, and with my scorpio rising, im so protective of my friends, and my true friends and chosen family are protective of me. Feeling protected has to be the BEST feeling in the world. to know you are special and good enough however you show up!

  • Opposite of Control is trust

    As I am sitting here watching the series 100 near the end of the series, kept thinking about control, trust, faith and surrender. what is the opposite of control is trust that everything will work out if you just have faith, but to have faith you must surrender to expectations and to the unknown.

    expectations to the unknown is a place that is hard to grasp. As I was taught that to go after what i want takes actions and actions sometimes involves control.

    control in ones actions, and in a positive way could come down to being mindful. Mindful of ones actions, and how these actions affect self, another person, and an outcome.

    Surrender and Mindfulness come into play. I think there is something here to look at. I wanted to get my thought process on paper before I forgot the thought behind all of this.

    What also comes into play is believing and self esteem, to push forward into thinking and believing with conviction. Like how I posted in an email on what is love and unconditional love?

    To go after not ever controlling in a negative way to harm another, including myself, and to control an outcome takes conviction. To really believe that everything will unfold as its supposed to. A definition of FAITH!

    Then you can dive a bit deeper and include being attached and non attachment. Being attached meaning, it influences you/ me to do things out of character like control, and the best way is the way of non attachment. To be non attached to person, place or thing is scary. Everything I was taught not to do.

    That rivals next to basic security. I attach to people, places and things out of safety, even it be a false sense of safety / security.

    The idea is to create your own safety / security within by trusting that everything will work out the way its supposed to and if it doesn’t that is ok too, as things sometimes don’t work out like they are supposed to and that is ok too.

    You can have faith that it will and send that frequency into the world that it will but everything doesn’t and being non attached to an outcome is FREEDOM!!!!!!!

    Getting to the place of freedom is easier said than done. It comes from a place of scarcity, fear, un knowing, loss, depression, emptiness, loneliness, shame, guilt, frustration. Whatever the emotion or unknown is. I believe going thru the shadow self to uncover what it is, peeling back the layers and layers of what it is I’m holding to, expecting, wanting, needing and coming to the realization that I am good just how I am to truly believe. That takes guts, that also takes surrender.

    It takes looking at yourself in front of a mirror, really looking at yourself, all your wrinkles, imperfections, age, and know that I am loved! This takes humbling. This takes surrendering.

    It also takes, really loving yourself. Holding yourself. like when your mother or father would do it, the people that kept you safe. the ones who didnt get a manual in the hospital on how to raise kids and did it the best that they could, while working to support us, living in their cycles of life, generational traumas, for someone not breaking the cycles. experiencing all the pain of the ancestors.

    something I strive to do is to feel, to break the cycle of the families traumas. I have siblings that also are breaking the cycles on how they raise their kids, I can see it. I have such wonderful siblings that are doing such bang up jobs being the best parents they know how to be.

    Kids, never worked out for me as the universe had other intentions for me, but if I did have kids, I would be a damn good father. That kid would be so so loved! As I know what it is like to live with pain / suffering. and to know that, I have empathy.

    Surrender is the key to it all! To finally realize that I can’t keeping fighting the fight and to give it all over to mother Earth and say, I TRUST!

  • What does it mean to stay in a playful world of being in your inner child?

    First off, there would be a rainbow of colors, different fonts, glitter, fairy’s, and a world of make believe. Their would be no rules just FREE to be ME.

    I woke up this morning and felt FREE even just for a little bit, which felt like PURE HEAVEN! no worries, second guessing about sending this text or what about this or that.

    How does one stay Present? As all we have in life is the Here and the NOW. What was sent yesterday in a text or what could or could not happen in the future is a time that is un written. The PRESENT moment is where the MAGIC happens,.

    Easier said than done as we are programmed to worry, have anxiety, fear, being alone, not loved, not being loving enough, not showing empathy. Whatever the case of what we carry in our depths of life.

    A very dear friend is the master of staying present, and just in AWE of how she does it. I dream of being able to do that.

    There is another concept, we live in our dreams, we get to be our own superhero and play in our dreams as we are free. I believe our dreams are our subconscious, and if my subconscious wants to be free, be light, have fun and keep it playful then my dream world will be just that.

    This is truly what I strive for! How can I stay in my inner child of present moments and be FREE?

    as I contemplate this question, fear and anxiety are coming to the forefront of my thoughts., what about this or that. am I loved enough, do I have the guts to show my vulnerabilities, and just be free without a doubt in the world. I believe Self Love is the KEY to being Free. For me, exercise / eating right is so Huge in my life. Getting in my morning yoga and if time permits, getting in my evening yoga mat time too. I find 2 yoga classes a day seem to really work for me and the therapy it provides. Mat time is just so essential on staying playful, positive, and FREE.

    I started the blog to go on my transformational journey of life, and at first, it started out a bit dark and heavy but as I go thru my days, its getting lighter. I think there is a balance of dark and light. for me, its not so much blame or this person did this or that. I’m old enough in life to take my own responsibility. and base things on true facts, can’t blame parents for this or that, I can just state facts of what happened and delve thru it all. Be proactive and find solutions, or just sit with it and the solutions will come.

    How does what I just said have anything to do with staying in your inner child? Mindset! How you view the world. People go around blaming others and not taking responsibilities and I’m like this because of this or that. Maybe so, but blame does nothing.

    Sometimes just being is all that matters in life! again, staying in the present moment.

    As I talk out on paper my thought process, and thank you for reading if anyone reads these, how I can stay in the present moment. I was just telling a friend, that I am able to start a blog and write so freely, as I don’t work for a company, have a boss, doesn’t matter if I overshare or not being of some companies image. I am FREE to be ME!

    Its TRUST that everything will work out like its supposed to in the greater good, that picking the friends that I have are good people that are also full of love. We lift each other up when we are down, and just there for one another. There maybe times of heaviness but the LOVE is there and always will be, as I am LOYAL to a fault. My inner circle is SO LOVED and CHERISHED !

    I feel when you have good people around you, that just adore you as much as you adore yourself, its easier to get into your inner child as you are supported to just be you or me.

    I started a community where we live in harmony with one another, and have weekly dinners. As I feel community is where the MAGIC happens. Even people that don’t live on property come and hang out with us. I am just so grateful that I have a property that this can take place on and have attracted like minded people that also want to play in community. “play” as life should be about.

    Community where it be a garden community or group of friends that come together is key in my opinion. We as a whole have gone down a weird 5 years where the world has pumped fear and aloneness in our being. I believe the TRUE MAGIC comes to LIGHT when we come together as families chosen or biological and share the LOVE that each of us Have, Want to have, Want to Share, Be apart of. We ALL have this Desire to be LOVED and CHERISHED!

    If you haven’t spoken to a dear friend in a while, reach out! Call a family member just to say hi. Again, All we have is the present moment!