dont know what to write

so many things are in my thoughts at the moment.

i started the blog as my daily journal or a way to get my thoughts out and not in my head. A way to sort thru “my stuff”

this message had emotions behind it. frankly the best emotion I can come up with is Loss, freedom, me.

this is gonna be jumbled up and mixed around as now that.

to be a mystery, to be unpredictable, stubborn. to be selfish at times for finally putting me first. what does that look like?

TO PUT ME FIRST!!!!!!

from the guy who was the nice guy, the people pleaser to now a guy that knows his worth, has amazing friends and a community that he loves and that love him. why ? because I show up with unconditional love, respect, and care. I am everyones biggest cheerleader and im unapolegetically authentic about it. I don’t hide how I show up. I am me !

THE ANGER IS COMING!!!!! not in a mean way, but THE FIRE IS BUILDING! the anger is getting transformed into going after me, whatever that looks like. as i get more into the writings. things will flow more and i will get more comfortable about sharing. still trying to get my feet under me, out of practice. I LOVE the anger which turns into drive, from not being picked!!!!!!

The LOSS is a real thing in real time! But not the way it has shown up in the past, this LOSS is freedom mixed with fire! I’m focused on show ing up for ME!

Its like quitting a drug. something so familiar that turns from something familiar and loving to someone you just know anymore. part freedom and part familiarity. When you are used to chaos, push pull, uncertainty. here is the best part. I’m tired!!!!!

I like predictablility. thats why i stayed single for 5 years and celibate for 2 years. I gave up on putting myself out there. then i got into my purpose of building the farm, and met someone thru a post and at first it was just so beautiful i felt it was the universe bringing us together so i could awaken.

at the same time a friend invited me to kundalini yoga thats a good post . see as i write i found a wink from the universe. yes!